


Loves in Norwegian

by MermaidsandMermen (SophiaSoames)



Category: SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Acting, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Boys Kissing, Come, Epic cuddling, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay For You, Graphic descriptions of Anal intercourse, Graphic descriptions of Male/Male sexual encounters, Hand Jobs, Loosly hinting at Pansexuality, M/M, More angst, Norway (Country), Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not real, Not strictly gay for you but you get the idea, Oral Sex, Orgasms, Oslo (City), Ramblings from the internal fanfic that we are all honestly thinking about., SKAM - Freeform, Shameless Nudity, Smut, Snogging, Top T, Unrequited Love, aka smut, all made up, bottom h, even more angst, graphic descriptions of nudity, maybe a little gay then, more than friendship, not gay, will add tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:04:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 38,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9478742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaSoames/pseuds/MermaidsandMermen
Summary: A canon divergent fic of H and T being friends that kind of love each other. That's all. Because H might have a cuddle kink. And T is an epic cuddler. And every man should have a friend to cuddle. To make things better. To put people back together again when they fall apart. It doesn't mean anything. Its just cuddles. It just helps. It's nothing. Nothing at all.This was the original idea for the fic that became ''Dead Man Walking'' The original chapter is at the end of that fic. It has been slightly altered to become its own little story.I love comments, good or bad. I love prompts. I love kudos too. Thank you.Tweet me at @sophiasoames . Or don't. Be kind. Be nice. Always.





	1. Where H picks T up from school. Where T fixes H. Where I turn out to be a bit of a shit.

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Loves in Norwegian](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11748204) by [Apolyusis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apolyusis/pseuds/Apolyusis), [TGSantiaga](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGSantiaga/pseuds/TGSantiaga)



> This is a work of fiction. Fanfiction. The names of the charachters have been chosen so you as a reader have a clear picture in your mind of where we start off in this story and you have a setting and a framework in your head. This is in no way meant to be disrespectful to Henrik and Tarjei. This is inspired by their work. Not real. I dont claim to know anything about them in real life. Their sexuality is a private matter.   
> This is fiction, All made up. A fantasy.   
> Please treat it as such and enjoy the story. Thank you again for all your comments kudos and love. S x

Loves in Norwegian

H  
It’s been one of those days. A totally shit day. Not only was I late for work, I left my mobile at home and lost my tram pass. I am just so fucked. 

Work just didn’t get any better today. I burned my hand on the industrial sized beast of a coffee maker. Got shouted at by a customer. Got all flustered and got peoples orders wrong. Then I lashed out at my co-worker. It wasn’t her fault. She is new. I should have been supportive and helpful. I have been working there for a while, I know what it’s like being new and unsure of how everything runs. But anyway. She went in the back and cried. I could tell when she came back out. I did kind of apologize. I am an ass.

All I have been able to think of all afternoon is that I need a cuddle. Not just a hug. A proper full body all-consuming cuddle.

You see I have this best friend. Who gives awesome cuddles. We are workmates really. We both do a bit of acting on the side. Well I suppose working in a coffee shop is my main job. The acting bit has kicked off a bit now though, which is just so cool. Anyway, T and I, we play boyfriends in this drama series. So somehow in the whole fucked up world of acting we have kind of become best friends. It’s not that crazy really. We had to do a lot of practicing to start with. To get close. So things would look natural on camera. So things would look real. And T, my friend, is an epic cuddler.

It’s a bit shit really. Because we have wrapped filming now. It’s done. End of season. We really don’t need any more practicing. We don’t need to pretend. We can go back to just being friends. 

That is kind of what has happened. I haven’t seen him for a week. After hanging out almost constantly for the last 3 months. It’s weird. Sad. I kind of miss him.  
I guess that’s why I have ended up here today. I am sitting outside his school. Jacket zipped up to my neck. Beanie pulled down. Hoping to catch him. He is still at school poor thing. He likes it though. He is clever. So smart. Wants to go to uni and shit like that. I barely scraped through year 3. Not that I am stupid or anything, I just didn’t enjoy the stuff I was studying. I want to act. Do films. Find my crowd. Do my thing. Which has ended up with me working for a bloody coffee chain so that I can pay rent to my parents as I can’t afford to move out. My parents are cool thank god. They get it. They get that I don’t want to blow thousands of kroner on Uni when I don’t know what I want to do with my life. As long as I am happy and pay my way they are chill. 

There are a few fans hanging around. They are easy to spot. Taking selfies in front of the school sign. Sitting on that bench. The Evak Bench. Evak is me and T. Our ship. That's what the fans call us.  
If the fans recognize me, it will all kick off. Then I might miss him. I don’t mind the fans. I don’t mind the pictures. Just not today. Today I just need him. 

He finishes at 3.15. I kind of know his schedule by heart. Funny how I have memorized it. He has English during the last hour, so I even know which door he will exit through. Which is why I am sitting here. So he will see me. So I will see him. 

The fans spot him first though. He is smiling. Happily letting people hug him. Take pictures. Schoolbag slung over his shoulder. Hoodie over his head. I kind of hang back. Let him have his moment. 

He spots me pretty much straight away. Smiles and winks. Says good bye to the fans and walks over to me. Grabs my arm and walks me down the stairs. Away from eyes and cameras and people looking. I kind of get it. I am grateful. He always gets me. It’s like he takes one look at me and knows what I am thinking. What I need. What I don’t need. He is fucking 18 years old and he gets me. He understands me better than I do myself. 

‘’Hi babes’’ he whispers once we are out of sight.  
‘’I’m more like your crazy stalker today’’ I smile at him weakly.  
‘’You can stalk me any day, you know that.’’  
‘’I know’’ I do know. It’s just been a bit strange not seeing him every day. Not being with him.  
‘’What’s up then? How was work?’’  
‘’Fucking crap on a shit stick. Crap crap day. Left phone at home. Got shouted at. ‘’  
He giggles softly. Squeezes my arm.  
‘’You are coming home with me then? Chill for a while?’’  
I only nod. Told you. He knows me better than I do myself.

T lives in this awesome house. I mean I have grown up in a flat. No privacy. No hope. T lives in this old-fashioned wooden villa. In the city. The kind of place we read about in stories when we were little. Apple tree’s in the garden. A lonesome rope swing moving slowly in the breeze. Lawn brown and frozen in the winter weather. 

T ‘s room is just by the main entrance. Almost cut off from the rest of the house, yet still next door to the kitchen. His parents are super cool too. Really chilled. The house is dark and quiet though. Perfect. Just us. 

I’ve missed hanging at T’s house. I kind of relax the minute we walk through the door. Kick our shoes off. Hang my jacket up. Throw my beanie in the basket by the door. Almost like I live here, part of the family.  
He throws his jacket on the floor. Throws himself on the bed. He always does. Letting out a big sigh of content-ness. I kind of crawl up and lie down next to him. Awkwardly hoping that he will snuggle up to me. 

‘’Do you need a cuddle?’’ He asks. Smirking the way he does. Face full off little dimples. Eyes full of mischief. Looking effortlessly handsome in his wrinkled jumper, that has ridden up slightly to show a little bit of the skin on his stomach. Messy blond curls tangling in that mop of hair on his head. He never combs it. Just runs his fingers through it and shakes his head.  
He doesn’t wait for an answer, just pushes me over so he can spoon me. Me, all legs and arms and awkward movements. Him softly curling around me, burying his face in my neck. 

I’m kind off all stiff. Not because I don’t want him there. It’s just, It’s just not enough. Not what I need. I don’t need spooning. I need him. I kind of need more today. I need him to make things better. To put me back together again. To tell me we are OK. That what we have is different. 

‘’This is not working is it?’’ he whispers to my hair. Let’s his fingers stroke my arm.  
Then he sits up. Moving around so the mattress is bouncing and squeaking beneath us. Takes his jumper off. Then he grabs my arms and yanks me up so I am sitting next to him. He starts rearranging the pillows. His face stony in concentration. It kind of makes me smile.  
‘’There’’ he says. Looking proud of his handiwork.  
He lies back down on his back, pulling me with him in the fall. Pushes my head down on his chest. Lays my arm around him. Pulls my leg up so I am half straddling him.  
‘’There’’ he says again. ‘’that’s better. Better?’’  
I kind of just groan into his chest. Much better. This Is what I need. His hand rubbing my back. Little circles and patterns swirling over my shoulder blades. His other arm under his head. His mouth trailing little kisses in my hair.  
I let out an embarrassingly loud sigh. Because it is perfect. It is calm. Peaceful. Us. Two boys having ridiculous cuddles. Because we can. Because it makes me feel better. It makes me feel safe and warm and like nothing can hurt me.  
I am a fucking adult. I should be able to cope with a crap day on my own. It’s just that T knows how to fix shit. How to fix me. I wish I knew how to fix him back. To do this for him when he needs me. Not that he needs me. He is T. Nothing bothers him. Nothing is too much. He is chill. Popular. Awesome.  
‘’Better?’’ He asks again. Placing a soft little kiss on my forehead.  
‘’Mm. Better. Thanks’’ I whisper.  
‘’You are lucky to have a gay best friend to cuddle you. Every bloke should have one’’  
I let out a soft laugh. ‘’I am lucky to have you’’  
He gives my forehead another kiss.  
I kind of want to cry again. Because I am such an idiot. 

T  
He has fallen asleep. Poor baby. There is something up with him today, something that he just won’t talk about. Yet. I will get it out of him. I usually do.  
I wonder if he got dumped. (I kind of do a little dance in my head at the thought of that.) Yes, I can admit it. I got jealous. He was hanging out too much with this girl the last couple of weeks. I kind of got the jest that they were seeing each other. The first blows of romance. Ahhhw. 

I can freely admit it to myself as well. I am pretty much done for. I am in love with him. I have been from day one. I mean come on. He is stupidly handsome. Taller than me. Gorgeous. Kind and funny as hell. Doesn’t take no shit. Charming as fuck.  
He is a real softie too. Loves to be cuddled. Calls it his cuddle kink. I can so do that. Cuddle. 

It’s not that I am kidding myself that this is going to go anywhere though. I am gay. I like boys. I figured that out pretty much as soon as I got into my teens. Girls just didn’t interest me. Boys did. Boy they did. Not that I have had much experience. A few fumbles with this friend of a friend I met. He wasn’t my type though. It was more like hey bro lets snog. Let me feel your dick. Didn’t last though. No hard feelings. Just wasn’t right. Was nowhere near right. 

I know H is straight. He told me. He told me about all his girlfriends. His first kiss. His first time. We can talk about stuff like that. Laugh about it. I told him stuff about me too. I don’t think there is much he doesn’t know about me. That’s kind of the problem. I think he feels safe with me. That he can come and get his fill of cuddles and body contact and, I suppose love, and then he fucks off and goes about his straight life until something happens and he needs me. 

So, It’s a bit shit from my end. I kind of know it’s a totally one sided romance of doom. I am crushing on a straight dude. Again. Not the first time. I keep telling myself I am an idiot. But hey. He has 300000 followers on Insta. It’s not like I am the only one crushing on him. I kind of feel lucky in a very fucked up way that I am the one lying here on my bed with him fast asleep on my chest. Drooling slightly. His chest rising and falling against my stomach. That I am the one who gets to stroke his hair. To make him feel better. I mean he fell asleep. He was stiff as a board earlier when we got home. Wouldn’t look me in the eye. Huffing and puffing the way he does when he is uneasy and stressed. Look at him now. Sleeping soundly like a baby. 

I don’t want to let him go, but I am starving. I haven’t quite grown up yet I don’t think. I just get ravenous in the evening. Like I need to eat the entire contents of the fridge in one go.  
I fold his arms under his chest. Wrap a blanket around him, tucking the edge in under his chin. Stroke his hair when he snuffles in his sleep. Watch him for a few minutes to ensure I haven’t woken him up. Feel a bit like a creep sitting on the edge of the bed watching him sleep. Getting a little emotional. Trying to get my head around that he is not mine to keep. That this is all I have of him. Little snippets of his life when I get to hold him. When he gets to be mine. Before I let him go back to his life. 

Where I get to be his fucking friend. 

H

I am warm. I still don’t know where I am at first when I wake up. Apart from T laughing at me and ruffling the hair on my head. Affectionately. Making me smile like the idiot I am.  
Its dark outside. I have no idea what time it is. Not that I care. There is nowhere I need to be. Nowhere I would rather be than here anyway. On T’s awesome bed. Soft. Warm. Full of weird and wonderful pillows. Blankets and Him. 

‘’Hungry?’’ T nods towards the plate of open sandwiches he has in front of him.  
‘’Oh. Yes. Thanks’’ I am actually starving.  
He picks up a piece of bread with cheese and sliced green pepper and shoves it in my mouth. Pepper flying onto the floor. Laughing like a 3-year-old.  
I sit up and shake the crumbs off my chest. Mouth full of sweet tasting loaf and salty butter. Nutty cheese. Trying not to choke on my laughter.

‘’You said you were hungry, I’m just helping’’ He is laughing. Bloody hell T. I whack him on the arm. Mouth still full of bread. Happy. In a strange way calm. I lean back against the headboard. He moves over so he can lean against me. Puts his head against my shoulder.  
‘’Another one?’’  
‘’I’ll feed myself this time’’ I grab another sandwich. Cheese and ham. Shove it straight in his face. He is like a beetle that has fallen on his back, all arms and legs flailing through the air. Plate of sandwiches tipping over on the duvet.  
He sits up and picks everything back up. Shaking his head. Smiling at me smiling at him. Me eating my sandwich like nothing just happened. Him eating slices of ham straight off the duvet. 

‘’Feel better?’’ He says. Leaning back and placing the plate on my lap.  
‘’Yeah, a little’’  
‘’Wanna talk about it?’’  
I look over at him. Face full of concern. Eyes looking at me like he does. Like whatever I say he will know that I am not quite telling the truth. The whole truth. Which I will spill at him anyway. He has that effect on me. Makes me talk to the point that I just blurt stuff out. No filter. 

‘’I kind of got dumped. I think. Or I dumped her. I think I was a bit of a dick about it.’’  
‘’Are you sad about it?’’  
‘’No. Not really. I’m more sad that I hurt her. It wasn’t her fault. It just seemed like so too much effort to continue when I wasn’t kind of fully in it. Do you get what I mean? That It was never going to go anywhere. She is really pretty T. Sexy. Gorgeous hair. Nice. Funny. She just, I don’t know.‘’  
God I am rambling. I just look at him. Look for him to finish my sentence. Like he does.  
‘’There was no electricity there then. No spark. No fireworks.’’ Told you. Finished my sentence.  
‘’No. I mean I don’t know. She was kind of making all these plans. Wanting to do stuff.’’  
‘’Did you sleep with her?’’  
I feel like saying ‘none of your fucking business’. But I don’t. I nod.  
‘’And it wasn’t any good? I mean not that I know anything about it. I kind of live through your kinky escapades. Whilst I lie here and wank. Alone.’’ He has gone a little bit red. Looking down playing with the hem of his jumper. There is a little bit of his midriff showing again. Soft blonde hair trailing down his stomach. Getting squashed under the top of his jeans. 

‘’No, it was OK, I mean, It just didn’t kind of’’ I don’t know what I am saying.  
‘’Didn’t blow your mind. Didn’t make you want to come back for more’’  
‘’No more like, we didn’t laugh. It wasn’t fun. It was kind of awkward after. Like we had nothing to say to each other’’  
‘’Fun?’’  
‘’Yeah, it should be sexy. Horny. Fun. Don’t you think?’’  
‘’Wanking is fun?’’ He winks at me. Laughing. ‘’Of course, it should be fun. You have to have a laugh with each other. Otherwise it’s just sex. Mating. Doing the deed. Gets you off. Then you piss off and go home. When you have fun you just laugh about it and snuggle. Curl up and snog. Stay the night. Well I imagine. I don’t know.’’

‘’How did you get so smart T. You will make someone very very happy one day.‘’ I reach out and pat his arm. Laughing softly. Turn over so that I am lying on my side facing him. He strokes my hair. Let’s one finger tangle a curl on my forehead.

‘’That’s the bit I kind of look forwards to. Having someone there when you wake up. Not being alone in the morning. Waking up with someone holding you. I think I would like that.’’  
‘’I know. Having someone there who loves you. So you are not alone.’’ I get it. I do.  
‘’Suppose it’s only human. We are not supposed to be alone.’’

He looks at me again. Looks down and for a minute I kind of catch him looking desperately sad. It does things to my stomach. Things to my head I think. Because I basically throw myself onto him and hold him. My head back on his shoulder. Arms tight around his chest. Face buried in his neck.

‘’You are not alone T’’ Cheesiest line of the century. The one that we blew the other drama series out of the water with last season. I know he gets it. Even when I am half laughing as I whisper it into his neck. 

‘’Cheese H. Total Gorgonzola. Where the hell did you get that line from?’’ He is giggling. Clinging to me. Turns his body over so he can wrap me up in a cuddle. Both arms around my chest. His breath on my forehead. Lips on my skin that is ragged from the god damn awful acne breakout caused by the last couple of days. He doesn’t mind. He doesn’t recoil at any part of the disgusting human that I have become. The one I promised myself I would never be. 

The one who treats people like shit.


	2. The one where I get carried away. The one where I loose my shit completly.

H  
I sit up with a jerk. Like I have just woken up from a nightmare. I haven’t had a nightmare. I just fell asleep. Again. 

The bedside light is still on, casting it's soft light over T’s face. His mouth is open. Snoring. Arms slung over his head. The lines and shapes of his stomach muscles moving quietly up and down with every breath.   
I pull the duvet up and cover him up. Swing my legs over the side of the bed and put my head in my hands. 

It started off so well. We were talking. Cuddling. Laughing. T got us some pasta from the kitchen. A couple of beers. Watched some TV. 

I had my head on his chest again. My fingers tracing his six pack. I mean I didn’t think, I was just kind of cuddling him. Touching him like he touches me. He always rubs my back. Strokes my arms. I was just kind of admiring his stomach. Stupid fuck. 

I didn’t realize until it was too late that he had a hard on. That the little startled breaths he was doing wasn’t from being ticklish. He was actually getting turned on. By me. And I acted like a dick again. 

I mean what was I supposed to do? Just pretend it was nothing? Leave him with blue balls?   
Well the decent thing to do. What I should have done. I should have apologized. Hugged him. Got up and gone home. Let him have a wank and be done with it. II should have given him some space and privacy. 

I know I am messing with his feelings. I know he has a thing for me. I mean, He’s T. He is who he is. And I fucking love him back. With all my heart. I’m straight though. It’s not that we are ever going to be together. It’s not like that. I have no desire in my fucked-up brain to have sex with him. I never think of him like that. I was just cuddling him. Admiring him. Because he is bloody fantastically gorgeous. Ripped. Perfectly proportioned. Compared to my skinny self. 

I don’t do the gym. I don’t do exercise. I walk. I bike. This is fucking Oslo. If you want to go somewhere you walk it. My dad used to laugh when I asked for tram money in winter. ‘’You have legs, haven’t you? Anything wrong with them?’’ No Dad. I walked. 

I don’t have a six pack. I don’t have shapes and pecs and angles and biceps. I am skinny. Freckled. Me. I can’t change it. I am kind of OK with it. I embrace the skinny look.   
T though. With his too honest eyes. His softness and loveliness. The way he curls around me and lets me hug him back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know what made me do it. I did though. Oh, fucking hell. 

I feel a little sick. My stomach turning. Not because of what we did. Because of what comes next. Because I will have to sort this shit out now.   
You see. I should have got up. Pretended like it was nothing. Lied. Said I had to get home. 

Instead I reached up and kissed him. Like I kiss him when I am Even. When he is Isak. When we act.   
We have kissed before. Like play kissing. Drunk. On nights out when we are messing around. The epic cast parties. The others tease, jokingly, shouting snog snog snog when we are out. We always do. It’s funny. We don’t even blush. I don’t mind. He is my T. It’s what we do. 

We don’t do this though. We don’t hook up. We don’t kiss like this. Like we did. I couldn’t help myself. I kissed him all in. With tongues. Fucking tongues. I had my hand around his face. Moaning into his mouth. I freaking moaned. 

There is something seriously wrong with me. I mean I saw him. I saw the bulge in his pants. He had changed into these checked flannel pyjama pants he tends to wear around the house. Soft and worn. Ripped at the knees. He couldn’t really hide it. It was there. Straight up. 

And it did funny things to me. Because I was getting hard at the thought of him being hard. I was kissing him and my hand was back on his stomach. His hand in my hair. Kissing me. Oh god. 

You know some people can kiss. Some people just mess around. Lips and spit and tongue everywhere. Not good. T can kiss. Oh fuck he can kiss. Deep and soft and sexy. See how fucked up this is? I am thinking of his kisses as Sexy. I kind of groan into my hands. Turn around and look at him again. 

He is drooling slightly. Mouth still open. Eyes moving in little jerks under his eyelids. Dreaming. Breath soft and steady. Content. Oh baby. Oh, what have I done to you.  
I should have stopped there. I didn’t though. Told you I am a shit. I think my brain must have short-circuited. I probably had an aneurism and blacked out. No I didn’t. I knew what I was doing. I still did it. 

I lifted the elastic of his pants. I put my hand in underneath the fabric. And I stroked his cock. Softly moving my fingers up and down his shaft. Tracing the soft skin at the base. I even played with his balls. Like I do with mine. Stroking them. Pulling at the skin. Cupping them and squeezing gently, pulsing the movement. Fingers around his foreskin. Tiny movements up and down. Teasing. All whilst my tongue was in his mouth. All whilst I was pushing my chest against his ribs, letting my groin move against his hip. Small jerking movements. Just enough so I could get that little bit of friction. 

Oh god. I had gotten so carried away. He was whimpering. Moaning. Clinging to me so hard that he was pulling my hair out at the roots. I didn’t mind. It was bloody hot.   
Just look at me. I groan again into my hands. I had loved it. I loved every minute of it. Every second of having his cock in my hand. His lips on my mouth. His breath on mine. Hard and fast and desperate. It hadn’t taken long. My hand had been warm and wet. Come spilling over my fingers. His pants wet. The muffled sounds of his voice against my cheek. His arms around me as he buried his face in my neck. 

The worst thing was I came in my pants. He clung to me, breathing hard into my neck. That’s all it took. That’s all it fucking took and I was shooting like a teenager. In my pants. I haven’t even done that with a girl. I always have control. I know what I like. I know what gets me off. Well fuck me. Jesus Christ.   
I am paying for it now. Dried come on cock equals cardboard pants. Fucking uncomfortable. At least my jeans were undone. I stand up and tuck myself in. Disgusting shit. I am disgusting. 

We didn’t move afterwards. Didn’t speak. Just lay there tangled up in each other. Our breaths finding a matching rhythm. His fingers stroking my back. My hands holding on to him. Tangling in his hair. My lips kissing his cheeks.   
‘’Please don’t go. Please stay with me’’ he had sounded wrecked. Desperate.  
‘’I’m here’’ I had whispered. ‘’I’m here’’.

Well I am not anymore. Because I am a horrible excuse for a human being as I pull my jacket on. As I tiptoe around and turn off the bedside light. Stealing one last look at his face. 

I have ruined everything. This is how friendships end. This is the stuff you read about. When someone fucks up and you never speak to each other again. Because what the hell am I supposed to say? Sorry I got a bit gay for a minute and I will never let it happened again?

I close the front door slowly, pushing with my shoulder against the frame until I hear the soft click of the lock engaging. Tiptoe down the front steps, holding on so I don’t slip on the ice that is forming in the chill of the night. I don’t even know what time it is. I pull my hat over my head. Hood on top. Hands in pocket. And I walk.


	3. The one where I buy sheets. The one where I party. And nothing means anything.

3 T  
It has been a week. A full week. It all seems like a blur even though it has been the slowest week of my life. The most agonizing heart breaking angry motherfucking arsehole of shithole week. I am back in my bed. Staring at the ceiling. Agonizing again. Thinking about what I could have done differently.

I blame myself. Totally. I also blame him. Fully. I come up with lots of very reasonable excuses for his behaviour. I also think I could totally have acted like a grown up. I mean I could text him. I could even be brave and, hello, Call him. Not that I will. Arsehole. 

I swing freely from being heartbroken to being angry as fuck. From wanting to ring him and wail down the phone that I love him and will do anything if he just comes back and pretends like nothing happened. To wanting to go to his house and smash his front door in so I can just see his face frozen in shock as I give him the finger. I mean how old am I? Five? The fantasy makes me feel better though. For about a minute.

I have washed the sheets. Twice. They still smell of him. I went out and bought a new set of sheets. I actually spent money on bloody sheets. Changed the bed. There. He is gone. Then every time I looked at those sheets I felt sad. So, I have changed them back to my old ones. At least there are good memories with these sheets. The sheets where I had my one and only sexual encounter with the man of my dreams. With the boy I am so utterly in love with. With the fuck shit of an arsehole who couldn’t be man enough to stay until the morning and then ignores me for 7 days. Not even a Sorry. Not even an ‘’OK?’’. He couldn’t even leave me a note. A couple of words. All he needs to say is sorry. Or not.  
I mean I should probably say sorry. Well what for? It’s not like I was ever going to say no. How could I? He fulfilled every single gut wrenching teenaged angsty fantasy of mine in 10 minutes flat. Kissed me. Kind of had sex with me. Held me. Whispered breaths in my ear. I don’t know what he was saying. I was probably blurting out all kinds of shit as well. 

Most of the time I am just suspended in a kind of cosmos of disbelief. How things went from being absolutely fine. Fine. Excellent. To dumping me in this shit hole of despair. Of heartbreak and sadness.

We start filming in 2 weeks. Actually in 13 days. I have 13 days to either sort this out or go in and resign. Because I know the drill. I know what will happened. I haven’t seen the script. I don’t know who Is the main character. I don’t know shit. But I know Even and Isak will be in it. A lot. Because hello. Even and Isak. We nailed that season. People loved us. People fell in love. The whole cast knew it. Knew that this wouldn’t not end here. There is so much more to their story. But how can we go back to work and give Even and Isak justice if we can’t even speak to each other? If we can’t even stand the sight of each other.  
The thought of resigning. Ripping up my contract. It makes me feel even worse. And deep down I know I would never do it. It would be a shit move. A really bad career move. I just think back to how much fun we had last season. How I loved filming it. How we were so close. How I fell in love with him. Just little by little. Day by day. Fucking Minute by minute. Until he was so much part of me that I didn’t know what to do with myself if he wasn’t around. 

Now he is not. We will probably never find our way back to where we were. I will never hold him against me again. Never play with his hair. Never laugh at him and his crazy stories. Never feel that horrible jealousy when he talks about girls. Well. Hang on. I will. Always. Every fucking day. 

I kind of just live. Get up. Go to school. Pretend nothing is wrong. I can act a bit, remember? I laugh. I sit through lessons. I kind of half-heartedly listen. Do my assignments. I kind of let my friends just pull me along. Tell me where to go. What to do. Point at food and I eat it. Stuck in some vacuum of life that just doesn’t get any better. 

We all went out last night. Had a few beers. Messed about. Met up with another group of friends. Ended up at some party. It was all ok. 

I knew it would happened of course. We have too many mutual friends. People we kind of know. I ran into her. Her. His girl. The one he dumped. Or she dumped him. Knowing what I know now I kind of suspect he did the same thing to her. Loved her. Then just snuck out in the middle of the night and never spoke to her again. Bastard. 

She’s really nice. Even though part of me wants to scream at her. Wants to shout that he will never love you the way you want him to. That she will never love him like I love him. That I’ll never have him. Neither will she. 

Instead she hugs me and chats about school. About exams. Some job she is doing. I ask the right questions. I smile. Get her a drink. Let her lean her head against my shoulder when she tells me a million things that I have no interest in. Whilst my head is so far away in thought that I can barely get an answer out when she asks. When she just casually asks how H is.  
I shrug my shoulders. ‘’Fine’’ I say. He’s fine’’. I hope he is anything but. I hope he is feeling as shit as I am. She grabs her phone and lines us up for a selfie. Both of us looking like we are having fun. Both of us looking like we are enjoying each other’s company. Partying. In reality we are both sitting there in silence. She is quiet. I say nothing. We both know what we really want to say. She wants to know what I know. She wants to know what happened. She wants to know why. What she did. Why she wasn’t enough. Why he never called.  
I have no answers. I don’t know. And I don’t understand it myself. I finish my beer and we both head home. She rides back on the same tram. Looking out the window.  
She gives me a hug as the tram stops at her stop. I stroke her hair. ‘’Don’t be sad’’ I say. There is nothing else I can say. No words of support. No love. Nothing. She nods. I keep my eye on her as she walks down the sidewalk. Coat wrapped tightly around her. I know how she feels. I am her. She is me. 

She has sent me the photos we took. Just with a simple ''Thanks''. 

I don't know why I do it, but I know it will hurt him. Scare him a bit. Shake him up. I send them to him. I can be a dick too.


	4. The one where we wallow. Where I jog. And I am not your fucking delivery boy. OK?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to those of you reading ''What If?'' There will be an update shortly! I am just really enjoying writing this a little too much to stop at the moment. 
> 
> THANK YOU for all your lovely comments. Sorry I havent replied back to you all, but I appreciate the love!! It's great to read what you think and what your thoughts are. xx
> 
> A Kvikk-Lunsj is a Norwegian version of a Kit-Kat but much nicer. Yum. Mega Yum.

H  
I haven’t left the house for days. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I rang in sick to work, saying I was running a fever. Yeah right. I have the temporary gay flu. I am such a chicken. It’s not like I have ‘’I kiss boys and I like it’’ tattooed on my forehead. Feels like it though. Like Everyone will take one look at me and know. That I like cock.  
Not that I do. I don't want to kiss any of my friends. I don't have any desire to google gay porn. None. NONE. OK? 

I don’t know what has happened to me. How I have kind of lost myself. I feel like I am floating around without an anchor. Like everything I ever believed about myself turned out to be a lie. 

When I took this role, where I had to play a gay guy. Well not strictly gay. Maybe bi. Maybe something else. We kind of decided not to define him. T and I sat down and talked this through. I even spoke to a therapist. They made me. They wanted to be sure I was up for it. That I wouldn’t freak out half way through filming. I mean it was kind of ridiculous.  
Why would I freak out? I am confident. Straight. Happy in myself. I am an actor. I have training and shit. I was all up for it. I mean Look at T, he has played Isak for years. Brilliantly and convincingly being straight. Well maybe not so convincingly. Well that was the brief. The script. He killed it. Nailed every season. Made acting with him so easy. He knows Isak in and out. Knew what he would say and wouldn’t say. He also knows himself. 

We talked a lot about him when we first met. When we became friends. Him coming out to his parents. Coming out to his friends. There was no drama. He has always known who he was. Who he is. He said he feels he was incredibly lucky. Told me he was an inexperienced 15-year-old who was given this awesome role where he got to experiment with his sexuality. Where he got to kiss girls. Make out. Pretend to be straight. Pretend to be not. 

I get it. I get what he was saying. How he got to act out all those fantasies. Pretend it didn’t matter. God If I had been given that chance at 16. No wonder he knows what he likes. Knows what he doesn’t like. No wonder he is so grounded. So secure in himself. So fucking awesome in his little idealistic romantic ways. 

I had gone into this acting shit all cocky and full of confidence. I can so nail this. I can so not be bothered that T is a guy. I can kiss him. I can kiss boys and not like it. Well BULL. Major BULL.

I curl up into a ball and pull the duvet over my head. Mum checked on me earlier. Gave me a cup of tea. Told me to change the sheets and get out of bed. Apparently, my room smells. Well hello. Of course it does Mum. I’m a bloke, and I am not getting up. Not showering. I mean what’s the point? 

I was thinking about who I could call. Hang out with. Get out of the flat for an hour. There is nobody. I could probably call my cousin. She would listen. She wouldn’t judge. But I doubt she would keep her mouth shut. She would tell her mum. Who would tell my Mum. Then my Mum would be in here like a shot to get the gossip. She would love it. That’s kind of her thing. She would be first in line at Pride, waving her rainbow flag in delight over her gay son. I cringe a little. Dad would just chuckle and ask if that was my thing now. Like when I wanted to be an Emo. Dyed my hair black. Wore a long filthy coat covered in paint. That lasted all of 3 months until I got into rap. Then I had the Kanye phase. God I have been into all sorts of crap looks since. Dad would just laugh it off. Give me an awkward hug. Have another cup of coffee. 

I mean I have loads of friends. Some great. Some kind of just there. Some have given me a load of grief. Calling me gay boy. I mean they joke. They all watch the show. Which is cool. It’s a show. Most of them have met T as well. We kind of move in the same circles. And anyway, I wonder what he told her. He is not a gossip. He wouldn’t have. He wouldn’t have told her. If she knows, then everyone knows. That I made out with T and then fucked off. That I couldn’t hack it. That I finally lost the plot. That I couldn’t keep acting and real life separate. 

I mean its good gossip. Its fucking awesome gossip. My ex left me and then shagged a bloke and left him too. I am the slag of the century. Can’t even decide what gender to fuck around with. 

I hurt him though. I know I did. He might be angry as hell. Wanting to destroy my life. Well I kind of did that myself thanks T. No need to spend any time fucking it up further. I am already in the gutter. Just kick me when I am lying down. 

The truth though. Which I know. I am painfully aware of it all the time. Every fucking minute. It’s all I think about. It’s all I see when I close my eyes and try to sleep. I know who I need to talk to. Who can fix me. Who can explain it all to me and put me back together. Who can reign in all these messed up thoughts in my head. I really fucked up didn’t I.

I made the only person that I need in my life angry. I made only person that matters right now hate me. 

I bang my fist into the mattress. Shout out a muffled scream into my pillow. I am such an idiot.  
I put my headphones back in. Let the music drown out my thoughts. Pull the duvet over my head. 

T  
We now have 11 days. I have 11 days to fix shit. I also have an English exam to study for, and I need to write an essay on the French revolution. I have started writing it 3 times now. Deleted the text. Then started again. I just can’t concentrate. My leg bouncing off the floor like I have eaten too much sugar. Well maybe I shouldn’t have eaten two Kvikk-Lunsj. Chocolate is nice though. Doesn’t fill you up though. I ate 2 sandwiches too. Left a mess in the kitchen. Downed a bottle of Fanta. 

I give up on the essay and just sit at my desk staring out the window. At the sun trying desperately to shine in between the grey clouds. The daylight fading fast on the horizon. I finished early today. Came home to study. I could have gone with the guys for Pizza. I could have gone and hung out with David. He asked. I just wanted to be alone with my misery. Wallow again. 

I kind of talk to myself like a crazy person. Practice different things to say to him. Try to be cool. Try not to be desperate. I am though. God I miss him. I miss laughing with him. Just hanging out. Watching Tv with him lying against me. Scratching his back. Smelling his hair.

I start to get changed. Like I have done every day. I’m telling myself that I am not a creepy stalker. That I am not doing it for him. I am not going for a ridiculously long jog today that I consciously route so I pass H’s work. Twice. 

I have done it every day this week. Run and run. It helps a little. Clears my head. I let the music take over. Then I slow down and look through the windows. He hasn’t been in all week. I mean it’s not like he can be on a break every single afternoon. He should be there. Behind the counter. Working. Laughing as he does. Arms folded over his chest. Hair combed back. He is not there though. 

I set off running far too fast. I will exhaust myself before I even get past the tram stop. I just can’t help it. There is all this anger in me. All this sugar too. I just need to run. Fast and furious. Letting my feet smash into the gravel on the pavement. Doing long elegant jumps over the icy patches. Music on ridiculously loud in my ears. Drowning out my thoughts. Letting me kind of float through the pain in my chest. 

He is not there again. I slow down and stop outside. Hang my head down holding on to my knees. Panting and huffing. 

‘’Hey!!!’’  
Oh shit. It’s his boss. Hanging out the door with her apron on. Looking bright and cheery and happy as always.  
‘’How is H? What’s up with him? He hasn’t been in all week and we are getting worried’’  
‘’Flu I think.’’ I lie. He is no sicker than I am. He is a chicken. Hiding under his duvet no doubt. Avoiding me. Avoiding the world. Being an Arse.  
‘’Ahhw poor thing’’ she gushes. ‘’ Can you hang on a minute? ‘’  
I nod and stand there. Pretend to stretch my legs. Getting a little cold. 

She comes back carrying a bag. ‘’Just some pastries for him. To cheer him up. Say hi to him from us and hope he is better next week ok?’’ She blows me a kiss and waves. Leaves me standing on the pavement staring at the door. Awkwardly holding a bag of pastries. 

I get even angrier thinking she just assumed that I would go and see him. That I am his delivery boy. Totally irrational I know. I get even angrier thinking that he is hiding. Thinking that if he just stays in his room and doesn’t come out he won’t have to face me. That he thinks that he can get away with ignoring me. That he thinks this is it.  
I do the most awkward jog across the road. Pastries bouncing in the bag. I end up wrapping them up in my arms like a baby. Try to run. Makes me look like a twat.

I blame him again. He even ruins my run. I can’t do a damn thing without him ruining shit. 

So, I get even angrier. And I walk. Fast and hard. Fucking bag of pastries in my clenched fist.  
I don’t stop until I am outside his flat. Punching the numbers in to open the gate. Slamming it shut behind me.  
He won’t know what has hit him. Not that I am going to hit him. I don’t think. 

But this is not how it fucking ends. This is not how we end.


	5. The one were we both loose our shit. And I apparently am an awesome human being.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great comments. Keep them coming!   
> All the love xxxx

H  
I hear his voice first. In the hallway. My mum speaking back. I kind of freeze in my bed. Sitting bolt upright. Wondering what to do. There is nowhere I can run, nowhere to hide. Nowhere to hide my heart which is beating out of my chest. Making me feel lightheaded with fear. With anxiety. I can’t do this, I can’t. I really can’t deal with this. 

The door opens and he slams it shut behind him. Throws a bag at me. I catch it perfectly. Both hands. The crinkling of the paper bag as it squashes between my fingers. 

He sits down on the chair by the end of the bed. Covered in sweat. Dressed in his running gear. Black spandex and stripes and neon fabric clinging tight to every part of him. Headphones around his neck. Curls tight and wet around his temples. 

‘’You look like shit H’’ he sounds defeated. Tired. Pissed off.   
I nod. I can only agree. I feel like shit. I look like shit. I am a shit.

We sit there. Quietly. Him twirling his fingers. Me frozen on the bed. Holding onto the paper bag. Letting out little strangled breaths in between my heartbeats threatening to bolt out of my skin. 

‘’Your boss sent those for you. Said you were sick. But you are not sick are you.’’ He gestures to the bag. Not quite meeting my eye. Rubbing his nose with the back of his hand.

‘’I’m sorry. ‘’ My voice is barely a whisper.

‘’What are you sorry for? Because if you are sorry for what we did then you can fuck right off. I am not sorry. I am not even a little bit sorry. But if you are sorry for acting like a twat the last week then let’s talk. OK?’’ He is defiant. Definitely angry. Incredibly hurt. I know all those emotions all too well. 

I don’t know what to say back. I just look back at him. I kind of want to cry all of a sudden. I don’t know what I am sorry for. I am sorry for everything. 

‘’I’m sorry for leading you on. For being a terrible friend. For messing up what we had. For not stopping when I should have. I’m not gay…’’

He holds his hand up to stop me.

‘’You think what we did makes you gay? You think that is what this is about? ‘’ He hangs his head in his hands and sighs heavily. 

‘’What we did doesn’t make you gay. It makes you a fucking awesome human being. Because for a little while you let go off all the rules. You just let yourself be. Fuck sexuality. We both wanted it to happen. And don’t fucking pretend it didn’t matter. Don’t you dare pretend it didn’t matter.’’

I can see the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. The way he hangs his head to try to compose himself. 

‘’You gave me my first time. My first sexual experience with another man. Do you know how fucking lucky that makes me? I got to do it with you. My best friend. The most handsome man in the world. The bloke I have this ridiculous crush on.’’ He looks up at me and waggles his finger at me. ‘’and don’t you dare pretend you don’t know. That you didn’t realize.’’

‘’I know.’’ I whisper. ‘’I have always known. Which makes it even worse.’’  
‘’Why?’’  
‘’I feel like I took advantage of you.’’ I still haven’t moved. Still clutching the damn bag.

‘’Why would you think that? It’s not like I couldn’t say no. If I didn’t want it to happen I wouldn’t have let it happen. I am not a child H.’’

He looks straight at me. All honesty and hurt and tears and love. Which makes me feel weak. Because he so very clearly loves me. Even when I am the most despicable human on the planet. 

I rub my eyes. Try to stop the tears forming. Because he is crying. And all I want to do is cry too. I want to scoop him up and hug him and wail and cry because I fucked up. Because I can never be what he wants me to be. 

‘’I don’t expect anything H. I don’t have any fucked-up ideas that we are going to ‘live happily ever after’.’’ He does the little quotation marks with his fingers. His voice raspy and weak. ‘’I just want us to be ok. I just want to be able to be with you. ‘’

‘’I want that too. I hate not talking to you. I hate not hanging out with you.’’ I want to reach out and hug him, but I don’t dare. I don’t know what will happen if I do. I don’t trust myself not to kiss him again. I don’t trust myself at all around him. 

He wipes his eyes on his sleeve and stands up. Zips his jacket up under his chin. 

‘’We have 10 days to fix this. Until we start work again. 10 days.’’  
‘’Fuck work.’’ I kind of find my voice. ‘’Tell me what to do’’  
‘’What to do?’’  
‘’Tell me how I fix this. Tell me what to do. I don’t know how to fix us. I don’t know how to make it all better.’’

I can tell he is struggling. That he is about to really start to cry now. That his chest is rising and falling too fast. His eyes red. A tear falling down his cheek. 

‘’Call me when you figure it out’’ 

That’s all he says. Then he walks out and slams the door behind him. 

I finally loose it. The lump in my throat that has been building for so long that it’s threatening to strangle me. The pain in my chest. The brick in my stomach that has just grown and grown until I can barely stand up. Somehow it all comes out. Long sobs that make my chest spasm. Ridiculous hick ups. Tears streaming down my face.   
I want to run after him. Throw my arms around him and make him stay. Make him never leave me again. I need to talk to him. I need to hug him. I probably need to kiss him too. 

Because I want to.  
Because I fucking want to.

I wipe the tears on my arm. Grab my phone. I am not dressed. Sweaty. I am disgusting. I don’t care.   
My joggers on the side are filthy. Coffee stains down the side of the leg. I throw a jumper on top. God I stink.   
I open the door and stumble out in the hallway. I am ridiculous. I am going after him. I have to. I can’t stop myself. I don’t get very far though. I kind of just stop there. 

‘’H, What the fuck did you do to him?’’

Oh God. Now my Mum hates me too. Just kill me now. Just end it.


	6. The one where my Mum is Evil. And T makes noodles in the buff.

H  
My mum can be evil. She can also be awesome. Annoying as fuck. 

She makes me go and strip my bed and get all my laundry into the machine. She also makes me go and have a shower. Saying I am a disgrace if I even attempt to go outside looking like a homeless person. Smelling like a rotting corpse. 

She is right of course. I am no good to anyone in my current state. I need to calm down. Stop crying. Get my head on straight.  
The hot water helps. Running over my hair. Making me feel slightly more human. Calmer. A little bit more in control. God I miss him. 

Mum calls me into the kitchen the minute I step outside the bathroom. Using that voice. The one that you don't disobey ever. Seriously. My hair is wet. I have just a towel draped around me. Bare feet trailing water along the floor. Hanging my head in shame. I know what is coming. She won’t let me get away with it anymore. I have spent a week lying in bed. Lying. 

‘’What did you do to him H?’’

I just shake my head. ‘’I messed up Mum.’’

‘’Did you sleep with him?’’ 

I raise my head and stare at her, all geared up to deny. Deny deny deny. Instead I nod and look down. I have done enough lying. Enough hurting other people. Enough being irresponsible with other people’s feelings. Enough trying to think that what I feel doesn’t matter. That I can just ignore the facts that are staring me in the face. That I want to kiss T again. And more. That I think of him all the time. That I am devastatingly heartbroken that I messed up what we had. 

Mum leans over and takes my hands. Holds them like she used to do when I was little. When life was easy and uncomplicated. She is stroking my palms. Tracing my fingers. Lining my fingertips up with hers. We fit. We line up. She ends where I begin. That’s what she used to say. 

‘’I’ve always told you that one day you will find that other person that will complete you. The other part of the puzzle that is you. You won’t have any control over who that person is, you will just know when it is right. When you fit. ‘’ She strokes my cheek. 

‘’You know it doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl, right? You know you shouldn’t worry about anything like that.’’  
‘’I know Mum’’ well what can I say. I do know. Deep down.  
‘’Do you love him?’’  
‘’Too many questions Mum!’’ I am going to cry again if she doesn’t stop. 

She gets up and kisses the top of my head. Strokes my face. Walks over and gets a cup out of the cupboard. Pours herself a coffee. 

I sit there with my head in my hands. I know what she is doing. Waiting for me to speak. Waiting for me to spill the truth. She is a bit like T. I can either lie and pretend I am not. Or tell the truth and be forgiven. Let off the hook for now. 

‘’I hurt his feelings’’ Well that sounds better than ‘’I behaved like a twat’’. Mum just looks at me. Raises an eyebrow. The way I do. When Someone takes the piss.  
‘’OK, I behaved like a total twat Mum. Better?’’  
‘’I can believe that.’’ She smirks. ‘’I didn’t raise you to behave like a twat.’’  
‘’I know. I need to figure out how to apologize. To make it all right again’’  
‘’Good boy. That’s a good start.’’  
Thank god for that. End of interrogation I hope.  
‘’I need to go and sort things out. Get back to work. Figure shit out’’ I get up and walk out.  
‘’You do that. Go figure shit out’’ She calls after me, giggling a little behind my back. 

I throw myself on my unmade bed. I have lost my momentum. Lost the little courage I had. Then I get out of bed. Look around. Breathe hard. Sit down again.  
My head feels like it’s about to explode. Not with pain. Just with thoughts. That I am kind of OK with that I want to kiss T. That I like kissing him. 

He turns me on. That’s difficult to get my head round. That I think about the muscles on his stomach. The way his arms feel. The way his shoulders carry his jacket. 

I don’t want to think below the waist. I mean would I like to have his cock in my mouth? Would that be hot? I mean come on? Well maybe. I don’t know. I have gone down on girls. That can be hot. Cocks? I don't know.  
I try to shake off the thoughts. I try to ignore the fact that I am a little stiff. That my naked cock kind of likes the idea. Sex. That’s what it is. I tell myself. I lie to myself. I am just thinking of sex and its turning me on. 

I pick up the phone and hover over the buttons. Trying to be brave. I should just ring him. Instead I deflect. As usual.  
I text work. Say I am better, That I will be back tomorrow for the early shift. 

Then I get dressed. Clean clothes. Fix my hair. Tell my cock to behave. Brush my teeth.  
I go back in the kitchen. Bribe Mum with a bag of squashed pastries. Give her a kiss on the cheek. 

‘’Shit to fix?’’ She laughs at her own attempt to talk cool.  
‘’Shit to fix Mum’’ I wink at her. 

T.

The house is empty again. Mum and Dad are both on late shifts this week, which suits me fine. I can sort myself out, cook some noodles. Well you pour boiling water in a cup. Hardly gourmet dining. Have a long shower without Dad shouting at me that we have a planet to protect. I can walk around naked. Eating Noodles with a fork. Spilling all over the floor.

I kind of feel a little better. I got to shout at H. I told him the truth. No holding back. There was a lot more I could have said of course but I think I got it all in there. He knows where I stand. He knows I am here. That I love him. Even though he is a total arse at times. The ball is in his court. Check Mate. 

I suppose I shouldn’t have walked out. I was losing my shit thought. If I had stayed I would have totally lost the last little drop of dignity I had left. I would have thrown myself at him. Kissed him like some crazy person. Begged him.

I hate this playing games thing though. I hate that I just can’t ring him and shout down the phone that I need him to come to me now. That I need him. Full stop.

I am kind of getting worked up at the thought. Getting irate. Unreasonably irritated. Pacing the kitchen stark naked swinging my fork around. Muttering ‘’Arsehole’’ whilst sloppily stuffing my face with chemical instant noodles that I can’t even figure out what they are supposed to taste of. 

I kind of know it is him before he rings the doorbell. I know the way he stomps his feet on the stairs to get the grit and snow of his shoes. The way he shuffles to the side so the door wont knock him over when It swings open. 

I decide to be stupid. Well Maybe it is. Maybe I am just a bit too cocky for my own good. Maybe I am just pissed off. And I am going to look like a right idiot if it turns out to be the neighbor. I kind of smirk at the thought. Then I reach out and flick the lock on the door. Push the handle down and give the door a little nudge. Let it fall open. Then I wait.


	7. The one where I loose control. Again. And my dick is confused. Or Not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter update! Hooray! 
> 
> Next update due next week as I have loads of real life work to get through. 
> 
> SMUT ALERT in this chapter. Enjoy!!

H  
Fucking hell T. He knows how to make me blush. Make me burst into hysterical laughter. Told you he knows how to fix shit. How to break the ice. 

He is standing in front of me stark naked covering himself with a cup noodle cup. Complete with fork. Giving me a cheeky smirk. 

‘’Sorry, didn’t quite expect company so couldn’t be bothered to get dressed. Fancy some noodles?’’ Cocky as fuck. Cheeky son of a bitch.

I can’t stop laughing though. I just can’t help it. He is ridiculous. Shameless. Stupidly handsome. And of course, taking the piss out of me. Totally. I get all his innuendo. I clock the twinkle in his eye. I also realize that I can't take my eyes of his bum as I kick off my shoes and follow him into the kitchen. 

‘’Noodles sound perfect’’. I can’t actually remember when I last ate. ‘’Do I have to be naked too?’’  
‘’I think you should, it would be rude not to.’’  
‘’You know this is going to be a disaster, don’t you?’’  
He turns around and looks at me. Cup Noodle in his hand. Kettle humming in the background.  
‘’Are you going to freak out and run off in the middle of the night again? Ignore me for a week?’’  
‘’No…’’  
‘’Are you going to tell me you are sorry for being an idiot?’’  
‘’I’m sorry for being an idiot.’’ I am. I mean it. But I can’t stop laughing.  
‘’So, what will be a disaster then H?’’  
‘’Can you please put some pants on T? You are making me blush. And I can’t concentrate with you naked’’

I can see him grinning that ridiculous grin he does. Smiling. He is pouring water on the noodles. Stirring with a fork. Dimples all over his face.  
I stand next to him. Leaning back against the kitchen counter. My arms folded. Smiling. Ridiculously happy. 

‘’I missed you. I missed us being happy’’ I am a soppy twat. It’s true though. God I have missed him.  
‘’I missed you too arsehole, but you already know that.’’

He is still looking down. Stirring the noodles. Swallowing. I can tell he wants to say something but he can’t quite get it out. 

I’m no better. I can’t stop staring at the curve of his arse. The lines of his hips. His arms and chest moving. The shape of his mouth. 

I want to touch him. I want to just grab him and hug him. I just don’t feel like I have earned the right to. That he might not want me to.  
Instead I reach out and put my finger on his shoulder. Just drawing a little line down his arm. 

He puts his hands down on the worktop. Still looking down. Just breathing. I can’t tell if he is smiling anymore. 

I am kind of coming to terms with that I have no control with T. That he makes me do things without thinking. Or maybe that’s wrong, maybe I am thinking. Which is why I just suddenly grab him and hug him with all I can muster. My arms tight around his back. His face squashed into my shoulder. My face in his hair. Whimpering with greed and need. I am actually moaning. Making ridiculous noises as I kiss his head. Breathing in the smell of him in loud gasps of breath. Feeling that I can breathe again. That maybe this is exactly where I need to be. Just hoping and praying he wants this as much as I do. That he will forgive me and maybe love me again. 

His hands are under my shirt. Kneading the skin on my back. Nails scratching lines along my spine. Desperately holding onto me. 

My hand is in his hair. Fisting his curls. My lips on his cheek. Just kissing his skin. Over and over. My other hand is cupping the globe of his arse. I mean I am so not straight. I kind of chuckle at myself. I am getting hard in my pants and fondling his arse. Its firm and hard. Perfect. Gorgeous. Fucking sexy.

‘’I don’t think I am totally straight after all’’ I whisper in his ear. I am smiling. Chuckling a little to myself. 

‘’You never were baby’’ he whispers back. ‘’You were always far too good at this to be totally straight’’.

He lifts his head of my shoulder and looks at me. My hand around his cheek. Thumb stroking his bottom lip. Making him smile. 

‘’I don’t know what it is you do to me. You have totally ruined me. Confused me. Confused my dick.’’

‘’Nothing wrong with your dick baby. It seems to be working fine?’’ His hand is on my cock. My pretty hard cock. Getting strangled in my skinny jeans. Damn him.  
‘’Your fault. All your fault.’’ He doesn’t let me say anything else. Because he is kissing me. His lips on mine. His tongue in mouth. His hand in between my legs rubbing my cock through the fabric. Tugging at the button. Pulling at my briefs so he can get his hand in. My mouth moaning and whimpering. 

He is pressing his chest against mine. Hand on my cock. My foreskin sliding up and down against his fingers. And I am kissing him. Desperately smashing my mouth against his. Sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. Tasting his skin. Soft and hard. So sexy. So hot. 

‘’Too many fucking clothes H.’’ He is tugging at my jeans. I am trying to get them off, whilst keeping my hands on him. Clinging to him. Stroking his skin. Stumbling around trying to get a grip on the clothes pooling around my ankles. Groaning as his lips leave mine when he pulls my t-shirt over my head. Moaning contentedly when I get my lips back against his. 

His hands are stroking my chest. Pinching my skin. Fingertips stroking perfect circles around my nipples. Hands on my hips. His lips kissing my shoulders. Licking my collarbones. Kissing my chest. Trails of him forming patterns over my ribs. My cock so hard that I have started to leak. 

I know where he is going with this. I know what he wants to do. I stroke his head. Feel his skin. Leaning so hard against the kitchen worktop that I am sure I will have a perfectly formed straight bruise along by back in the morning.

His nose is stroking my cock. Just moving up and down. His lips trailing behind. Soft little touches that make me shiver. My breath short and fast. It’s just too intense. Too much. Too sexy. Too everything. I close my eyes. Lean my head back. I can feel the tip of his tongue against my foreskin. Soft little laps. Warm breath. Lips kissing. Hands on my balls. Stroking, touching. Pulling at the skin. Fingers gripping my shaft. Slow soft movements up and down. 

I groan. I whimper. I think there are tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I can’t handle it. I can’t control anything anymore. I have no control. Zero. 

I come. Hard and uncontrollably. Jerking and shaking. Shooting stripes of come over his hand. Over his face. Over his hair. 

He doesn’t even flinch. Just leans against my leg. His cheek against my groin. Breathing with me. Hard. Fast. Heavy and deep. His nose nuzzling into my pubes. Lips on my leg. Little lazy kisses. 

‘’I never even got my mouth on you’’ He chuckles from down below. Sounding weak. Exhausted. Turned on. 

I fall on my knees. Arse landing flat on the wooden floor. Legs awkwardly trying to find an angle that works with my arms trying to pull him onto my lap. His cock still hard in my hand. My mouth back on his. 

He ends up straddling me. Standing up on his knees leaning over me. Completely killing me with deep kisses whilst he groans into my mouth. His hands around my face. My neck twisted back to meet him. Dirty hard and wet. Sucking his tongue. Biting his lips. My back against the fridge door. Tongue and breaths and him. Little words spilling out. Hands in my hair. His cock in my hand. My other hand stroking his arse. Pumping him hard and fast.  
His forehead slams against the cold metal behind me. Groaning loudly into the air. Shouting. Warm liquid spilling over my fingers. His chest rising and falling against my face.  
I just hold onto him. Pulling him back down on my lap. Holding him tight against me. My face buried in his neck. Skin on skin. Just breathing. Just being. 

‘’I love you so much’’ he whispers. ‘’So fucking much it hurts’’.

I get the hurt. I understand it now. My chest is so tight that I think I might faint. Like there is not enough of me to tell him how I feel. Like I can’t thank him enough for letting me hold him like this. That I can’t believe I made it back here. That I got him back. That I got to do this again. 

I can’t speak. I can’t form words. I just rock him instead. Holding him tight. On a cold kitchen floor.  
And I can’t think of anywhere else I would rather be.


	8. Where I am a child. And H needs me and I think I need him too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and angst overload in this chapter. Smut on its way. Stay calm.

T  
I am behaving like a child. A spoilt kid running around in a toy shop high on sugar and ice-cream and… well sex.

I don’t notice it until it’s too late. When I have been slapping his arse (his beautiful arse I must add) and pinching his bum and moaning that he cheated me out of my first blowjob.   
I am just so happy. Happy and in love and a little bit crazy. And H is freaking out. Sitting on a chair with a tea towel on his lap. His fingers shaking a little. His breath stuttering. 

I can’t believe I am so stupid. That I didn’t think. 

I am going to have to be so careful with him. I need to slow the fuck down. Wrap him up in cotton wool and keep him safe until he is back to himself again. 

I need to look after his heart too. His heart that is a little bruised and battered just like mine. 

I kind of panic a little. Tell him sternly not to move. Not that he replies. He doesn’t even look at me. He just fumbles around looking for his clothes. Trying to put his socks on.   
I find a t-shirt in my room and throw it on. Pull on my flannel pj pants. Grab another clean pair out of the wardrobe and a long-sleeved t-shirt. Run back into the kitchen. 

He has managed to get his briefs on. One sock. Rubbing his nose. Looking totally lost and a little panicky. I push him back down on the wooden chair. Shake out the t-shirt.  
‘’I’ve got you’’ I whisper. That’s all I can think to say. ‘’I’ve got you baby’’. Which is probably not the right thing to say but I do. I do have him. And there is no way I am letting him freak out and run off. Not when I am awake. Not when I am right here to fix shit. He always says I know how to fix him and I think in my own fucked up ways I do. 

I try not to touch his skin. Just sit down kneeling in front of him as I put his other sock on. Roll up the pj pants so I can get his foot through the leg. And the other one. Stand up. Softly grab his hands and pull for him to stand up. He doesn’t even try to help. Just whimpers a little when I press a soft kiss to his cheek. I can’t help it. 

‘’You need to eat H. Not noodles. Sandwich?’’  
He nods. Reluctantly. Leaning towards me and letting his head lean on my shoulder. I just stroke his arms. Shoulders to wrists. Soft movements. Letting my thumbs trail along the sleeves. 

I kind of curse my parents for their crazy ideas of healthy eating. There is nothing fast left to eat in the cupboards. I have eaten all the noodles. H’s cup still untouched on the side. All stodgy and cold and smelling of, well I don’t know quite what but there is no way I am feeding him that shit. 

He is back sitting down on the chair. Head in his hands. 

‘’Give me one minute and you will have food, OK? And tea. I am sure we have tea here somewhere.’’ I am rummaging around in the cupboards. Kettle bubbling away next to me. I find a cup. Some stupid fruity tea concoction that probably tastes like shit, but with a spoonful of sugar it will probably be fine. I just need him to hold onto something. 

His hands are still shaking, but he takes the cup off me. Both hands wrapped around the warm china. His lips blowing on the hot liquid. Taking a tiny sip. 

I mentally give myself a High five. Cutting up a loaf of bread in thick uneven slices. Smothering them in butter. Slicing thin elegant slivers of cheese, and layering sliced ham on top. At least we have the basics in the fridge. I cut the sandwiches up in slices. Like my mum used to do when I was a kid. Easy to eat. No thinking required. 

I actually turn him around in the chair. Manhandle him like an infant until he is sitting up against the table. Kiss his hair. Wrap my arms around him as I place the plate in front of him.   
‘’You need to eat baby, and then you will feel better. Then we will talk if you want to. Or I will give you some space if you need it. Just tell me what you need and I will fix it OK? ‘’  
He nuzzles into me. Grabs my arms so I can’t leave. Not that I would ever leave. But I am stuck there holding him as he reaches out and puts a piece of sandwich in his mouth. Chews. Slowly. I can feel the movement of his jaw against my lips as I kiss his cheek. 

‘’I am here, and I love you. I have got you. I’ve always got you baby.’’  
‘’I know.’’ He whispers back. Swallows and reaches out to grab another piece. His fingers shaking a little. Blood sugar crashing. I know it well. I know what I get like when I haven’t eaten before football. Or when I go for a run without enough food in my tummy. I crash and burn. 

H is crashing mentally as well, I can see it. Doubting himself as he does. When he thinks he hasn’t done well. When we finish a scene and he thinks he didn’t nail it. He always does. I sometimes feel like shouting at him. Shaking him. ‘Did you not see what I saw? Did you not feel it in your bones? What a fucking brilliant delivery you gave?’ He always thinks he has failed. That he isn’t good enough. He always is. He is always amazing.

I kiss his cheek again and untangle myself from him. Grab an apple from the side and a peeler. Sit myself down so that I am right next to him, letting my leg lean against his. Peel a long slow trail around the outside of the apple, hoping I can do the whole piece in one go. H watching my hands as I do it.   
We don’t speak. He eats. I peel. Then I slice off a little piece of flesh and feed it to him. Like he is a 3-year-old. Which makes him giggle a little. I just keep doing it. Little bite sized pieces that I place on his bottom lip. Which he eats. Chews carefully. His hands on his lap. My fingers cutting and feeding. Wiping a drop of liquid from his lip with my thumb.

‘’I told my mum we slept together. I don’t know why. It just came out.’’ He still won’t look at me.   
‘’And was she OK with that? Did she freak out?’’  
‘’No no god no, she was …well cool. Really cool. It’s just me. I feel like I …’’ He rubs his nose again. Leans against me. ‘’I feel like when I am with you everything is perfect. And then I remember that I am me and I kind of freak out. Because I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I am supposed to be. ‘’

‘’You don’t have to have all the answers H. We can figure this out as we go along. It’s not like we have to go out and tell everyone that we are kind of having sex and things. It’s nobody’s business. We are friends, we hang out. Stay over at each other’s houses. Fuck what other people think. ‘’

‘’I know, I know and you are right. But I still don’t know how to work it out in my head. I kind of never thought about it before. That I might be gay. I never thought I would fall in love with a dude….’’  
He stops himself abruptly and looks down at his hands again. Fiddles with the tablecloth.  
‘’You fell in love with a dude?’’ I can’t help it. I kind of smile. Grin as wide as my mouth will let me. 

He whacks me on the arm. Smiles at me. He is so fucking cute that I almost jump him right there and then.   
‘’Yeah. I must have. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in my head T. I just know that I love you loads and l get off doing all this stuff with you. Even though you are a dude. And its fucking crazy in my head but then you kiss me and I kind of lose my shit.’’  
‘’I like that. That I kiss you and you lose your mind. ‘’ I do. It makes my chest swell. Makes me want to snog his face off.   
‘’I don’t last with you. With girls, I can go on for a while before I come, and you just touch me and I shoot all over the show. Its fucked-up man. Really fucked up. ‘’

‘’I’m good with my hands then? ‘’ I laugh at him now. Which is mean, but I can’t help it. I ruffle his hair. Kiss his cheek. Snuggle up against his shoulder with my nose against his neck.   
‘’You are good to me. Good for me. You know that. You always know what to do.’’  
‘’mmm’’ I just want to hug him to death now. Hold him. Tell him that he is mine forever and ever and then some and that I will never ever let him go. 

‘’I feel like I am a little bit lost in my head.’’ He looks up at me and there are tears in his eyes.   
I lean over and kiss him. Softly on his mouth. A little flick of my tongue in between his lips.   
‘’You are never lost. Because I found you. And I will always find you.’’ I am getting sappy again.   
So, I take him to bed. Tuck him up under the blankets and kiss his cheek. Crawl in behind him and wrap my arms around his back. Bury my nose in his neck.   
We don’t speak. We don’t have to. I just hold him and shush him. Rock him gently until he is fast asleep. 

I set the alarm for the morning. Then I tangle my arm up in his top so that if he tries to get up I will wake up. It’s a bit creepy. A bit possessive. I just can’t risk it though. I need him to be here. I want him to be here when we wake up. Because he needs me. And mostly because I am the one that is lost without him.


	9. The one where I'm Ok. I am. really.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates but I am working hard in real life! There should be more chapters going live over the weekend and Monday. Hopefully!

H  
It takes me ages to untangle myself from his arms without waking him up. Not that I want to go. There is nothing I would like more than to stay in bed with him and go back to sleep. But I said I would work today and I will. Which means a 6 o clock start. 

I shower. I steal a banana from the kitchen. Get myself dressed. He has folded all my clothes up on the chair next to the bed. Its little things like that that I love about him. How he always thinks about me. Does little things that he knows I will find funny. Sweet. 

I kneel on the floor. Lean my arms on the bed so I can get my face right up to his. Just so I can watch him for a while. Sleeping. His eyelashes fluttering. Soft breaths. In and out. All cheekbones and curls.  
He needs to wake up before I leave. I know that he will freak out if I just leave, he will panic and think I have buggered off again. I wouldn’t do that. I hope we never find ourselves angry and hurt again. Like we did this week. Not that I know where on earth this is going. I just hope we can last. That this will somehow work, however scary it seems. 

I lean over and kiss his nose. Kiss his forehead. Whisper that he needs to wake up. Nudge him a little. Just gently. Stroke his hair.  
‘’Go back to sleep baby’’ he moans and grabs my arm. Tries to pull me in for a cuddle.  
‘’I’m so sorry babe but I have to work. Early shift. Need to go. Just didn’t want to go without letting you know.’’ I kiss him. All over his face. Crazy little kisses.  
He wraps his arms around me. Pulls me in as tight as I can go. Hanging off the bed at an awkward angle being smothered by his arms.

‘’Are you OK? Feeling OK?’’  
‘’I’m fine T. I’m OK. Go back to sleep and I will txt you later. Have a good day at school yeah?’’  
He just nods. I kiss him. Again and again. Until he pushes me away and tells me that I will be late. 

Then I jump on top off him on the bed. Kiss him hard. With tongues. Cupping his cock in my hand through the duvet. Making him moan a little. Giggle. Making my dick hard. I have to go though. Have to. He pushes me off the bed and curls into a little ball. Duvet wrapped back up around him. Smiling that ridiculous smile he does using every muscle in his entire face. 

I miss him as soon as I leave.

Work is fine though. I muddle through. Keep going. I am actually fine. It’s good to be back. We are busy, I just don’t stop, which is great because I don’t have time to think. I can’t dwell on things.  
I text him a few times. Just to say hi. Tell him I am fine. I smile every time he replies. It makes my tummy feel all funny. Warm and cosy. Knowing that I am loved. That he loves me even though I fuck things up. Even though he had to put me to bed like a baby yesterday when I lost my shit again. When I almost freaked out again. 

It’s raining when I finally leave work. I run through the crowds. Hoodie up over my head. Arms around my chest trying to keep my jacket closed.  
I feel fine. I am OK. I can do this shit. I can be a little wild and whacky. It’s nothing new. I can do this liking boys thing. It’s really not a big thing. It’s nothing. Yet it is everything. Why else can’t I stop thinking about it? Why else am I shitting myself about going out with the lads tonight?

I told them I am coming. I can’t back out. I have to do this. Get back to normality. To normal life. Do normal things. I told T I am going out. I could have asked him along, it wouldn’t have been strange at all. We bring new people along all the time. Someone’s new mate. A dude from work. It’s just that T is not just anyone. He is T. The guy I am shagging. Well the guy I am doing ridiculous stuff with whilst we are both naked. How do you explain that to your mates? 

I can’t just introduce him as my boyfriend. And yet if I don’t I am pissing all over T’s feelings. I know that. I know him. I don’t want to hurt him. I never want to hurt him again. Because I do love him. I am in love with him. I get that. I get the tiny little things he does. The things that make my heart swell. The way he looks at me that makes me want to cry. The way he rocked me to sleep last night. I keep trying to tell myself that he is only T. He is still the same boy that I met a few months back. The same boy that turned my life upside down. Who gave me all this. 

He tells the story really well. We have talked about it a lot. How I turned up for this crazy audition. I remember walking into the room and seeing him sitting there at the table. Looking a little bit sad. Bored. Slouched back on the chair fiddling with a pen. Knocking the tip against the table. Over and over again. 

I knew who he was. I had watched the show. I didn’t know what the audition was for though. Only that they needed a tall bloke (no shit Sherlock, since T is taller than most dudes) that could pass for an 18-year-old. My agent said I was too old, but that I should go and chance it anyway. It’s not like I was getting offers of work thrown at me. And you don’t get anything without trying. The good thing is that I am a fucking bean pole. I am tall as shit. So, I walked in there and plonked myself down opposite him. Cocky as anything. Big smile. Held out my hand and grabbed his as he looked up. 

He just stared at me. I remember looking at his dimples forming. Thinking ‘fuck look at all those dimples!’. It’s strange what nerves do to you. I have done enough crap auditions. You either nail it totally, or you fuck up. 

Well there was nothing professional about my audition. I was in the wrong room. I should have met with the producers first down the hall. Then if they liked me they would have called T to read with me. That was the drill. I didn’t know though. I messed up the rooms on the sheet of paper they handed me. 

Instead I was shaking his hand and introducing myself. He was laughing and asking polite little questions. Was I an actor? What had I done before? Being the stupid fuck I am I had blurted out ‘’Do you think I am tall enough? We had stood up, chairs scraping loudly against the hard floor, giggling like children when we realized that I was way taller than him. Giving each other High fives. 

‘’Have they told you about the role? What is going to happen in this season?’’  
‘’No, it only said, male, tall and can pass for 18 in the brief’’  
‘’It’s a good role’’, he had said. ‘’Challenging. You are Mentally unstable and get High a lot. We go swimming at one point which looks like a fun scene. There is a hot girlfriend.  
‘’Sounds good’’ I had said. Grinning from ear to ear. I liked a challenge. I liked the idea of the hot girlfriend. My kind of role. I could so do that.  
‘’There is more’’ He had said. Looking a little unsure.  
‘’Cool…What else?’’ This sounded brilliant. God I wanted this. Badly. I was already picturing myself being mentally unstable in a swimming pool with my hot girlfriend. Or the sea. I could go swimming in the sea with a hot girlfriend. Well filming said October, so maybe not.

‘’Well mostly during this season you will be my boyfriend. So, you and I will be kissing. A lot. And there is…’’ He had looked down. A faint blush over his cheeks.  
I had just stared back. Thinking Wow. WOW. What a fucking role.  
‘’Is there sex scenes?’’ I had half whispered?’’ Stupid fuck. I had watched this show. Of course, there would be sex scenes. Pushing the boundaries again. I should have known.  
He nodded. Fiddling with the pen again. Looking up at me with this earnest face. Looking a little scared. Very much unsure of himself. 

I had just beamed back at him.  
‘’What a freaking cool role. So, you and I will be boyfriends? Whilst I am mentally unstable, smoking joints and dealing with my hot girlfriend in some swimming pool?’’  
He had burst out laughing. Me laughing with him. Wondering where all the other people were.  
‘’You up for all that? He had said. Still laughing. Leaning back in his chair putting his arms behind his head.  
‘’Hell Yes!’’ God what a role. ‘’Absolutely! What else do we do?’’

Then we had talked. Laughed. Giggled hysterically as we talked through the bits he knew of the script. Laughed at ideas he was thinking of. Telling me about the other people in the cast. Realizing we had some mutual friends.  
We had bonded. Laughed. Lost track of time.  
Until the door had opened and some woman had walked in with a clip board droning on about how the last guy on the list hadn’t bothered to show so that was it for the day. 

T had just stood up and shook his head. Walked over to the lady and put his arm around her. Smiling that smile that I love.  
‘’Fuck the last guy. Meet Even. My new boyfriend.’’

And that had been that. He chose me.

He said I was perfect. Told her that he didn’t care if I couldn’t act for shit, he wanted me.  
I had just grinned. Luckily I had behaved and stood up to shake her hand. Introduced myself properly. Blushed and almost folded in on myself in shame when I realized that I had cocked up.  
T had just put his arms around me. Hugged me whilst his body convulsed with laughter. His chin on my shoulder. My head in my hands as he held me. 

He had been mine from that moment on. And I had been his.


	10. The one where I have an epic plan. And H blows my mind. And my cock.

T  
H is out with his mates. Getting pissed. Which is good I suppose. It’s good to have time apart. Good. 

Fuck Good. I want to be with him. All the time. I miss him. It’s bad enough that I am stuck at my mates house playing fifa and drinking some crap beer. I am cranky as fuck. And I am crap at Fifa. I fucking hate video games. So I sulk. Sip my beer. And jump every time my phone pings with another message. 

He is at some posh place with overpriced luke warm beer in fancy glasses. Sending me selfies of himself and his crew. He is wearing a baseball cap again, and black jacket. Looking absolutely edible. 

I know I am being childish. I know I am over possessive with him. I can’t help it. He is mine and I don’t like to share him, even if I know I will always have to.   
I have kind of devised a cunning plan though. He likes the sex bits. I know that. It’s the whole other thing of being with me outside of the sex bits that I think he struggles with. That makes him freak out a bit. So, I am thinking that we need to go away for the weekend. Just him and me. And just shag ourselves senseless. I mean I would absolutely let him fuck me. Yes please. I’ve never done it. But hey there are millions of men around the world who rave about anal sex so how bad can it be? I mean I have practiced. I have fingered myself. Played around with stuff. It’s horny. Good. Feels kinky in a way. It doesn’t hurt. I don’t think. I mean cocks are nice and soft. And hard. I kind of smile to myself and fiddle with my phone. If I can get H away for a weekend and shag him until he passes out, then he will no doubt see that it’s not so bad being a little bit gay with me. That it can be a good thing. That him and I fit. That whatever it is he worries about is just a tiny little blip when you look at how good sex with me can be. I hope. I mean I may be a rubbish lay. I might be a real wimp when it comes down to having his cock up my bum. I don’t know. But it’s a plan. And it’s not like I have any other options now. We have kind of gone from not speaking to not being able to be in the same room without ripping each other’s clothes off, or being silent and freaking out. 

Neither which will work very well when we go back to filming in a couple of days. 

I brave up. I text my dad. Ask if he can ask my auntie if I can borrow her cabin for the weekend. I have been there before with the family, she always said we can come and use it. It also has a nice big bed. And we can scream as much as we want up there and nobody can hear us. 

Auntie texts me back, which is rather impressive since I didn’t even know she had a phone. Or that she knew how to use one. But apparently, the key is under the doormat and there are instructions for the electricity on the kitchen table. There is no food though so we will have to bring supplies. Easy. How cool. She adds that she is thrilled that I have finally taken her up on her offer of a dirty weekend away. I blush. God help me. I will never be able to look her in the eye again. 

I text H. Very casually. Asking what his plans for the weekend are.   
He replies that he is free. What do I fancy doing? I just smile. 

H  
I leave early. I am done. I blame having had the flu all week and being a lightweight. In reality I am shattered. I am tired. Tired of trying to be me. When My head is totally somewhere else. I have no interest in watching the girls grind against the bar, begging for attention. I have no interest in dancing. Of drinking. I just need silence. So, I walk. Walk the long way home through the park. Past the castle. Statues and bushes casting shadows from the streetlights. Headphones on blasting out music that I don’t really hear. It’s just nice to escape. To feel free in a way, I am just me, no pressure. I just am.

I text T again. Just say that I love him. That I am heading home. Shattered.   
He texts back saying that he loves me too. That he misses me. That he has got plans for us for the weekend and to be ready to go in the morning. Which intrigues me. Scares me in a way. I don’t know what the hell he is planning or thinking. 

‘What are you planning?’ I text.   
‘Surprise’ he replies.   
‘That’s scary coming from you. Don’t freak me out. What are we doing?’   
I don’t mean to make him think I will freak out. But I am a little. I don’t know what he expects. What he wants to do.   
He rings me.   
‘’Sorry’’ I say.  
‘’For what?’’ He sounds chirpy.  
‘’I am not freaking out’’  
‘’Yes, you are’’  
I laugh softly. ‘’What are we doing this weekend?’’  
‘’We are going to my auntie's cabin. It’s not far but its lovely and remote. Then we are watching crap tv and eating crisps and grilling hotdogs in the fireplace and just chilling. That’s all. Just you and me. Do you think you can handle that?’’  
‘’Yes’’ My laughter is full of relief. ‘’That sounds brilliant actually. Really nice. Thank you.’’

‘’Where are you now?’’ He asks  
‘’Just past the park. Almost home.’’  
‘’Good’’ He says.   
‘’I kind of want to turn around and come sleep at your place though. ‘’ I don’t even think before I say it. Then I blush. He is laughing softly in my ear.   
‘’Don’t bother. I am just parking my bike outside your gate. I’ll walk up and meet you.’’

I told you he knows me better than I know myself. And he loves me. And he knows what I need. What I want. I am smiling so hard that my cheeks ache. I kind of start to jog, ridiculously awkwardly in my fancy heeled boots that I thought it was a good idea to wear.   
I spot him walking towards me. Looking all cute and rugged in his coat and trainers. Beanie covering his curls. Smiling at me. Arms crossed across his chest as I start to run.   
I don’t throw myself at him. But I do kiss him. Hard and deep with my hands around his face. Tongues everywhere. My dick twitching in my jeans. Then I drag him up the stairs. Teeth rasping against eachother. Lips sucking on my skin. His hand palming my cock. My hand under his jumper stroking his nipple. Clothes in the way of everything I want to do to him.   
We straighten ourselves out in front of the front door. Sneak in. The apartment is dark and quiet. I am hoping everyone is in bed. I kick my boots off. Steadying myself on his shoulder. He hangs his jacket up on the hook. I throw mine on the floor. Then I drag him across the hall into my room. Close the door. Latch it. And stick my tongue down his throat. 

T  
I rip one of his buttons off his posh shirt when I try to unbutton it. Fucking complicated clothes. I end up yanking it over his head instead, along with his t-shirt. And the poncy hat. I fucking hate those snapbacks. I love him though. I love every warm inch of his body. I clamp my mouth around his nipple. Suck in the little bud. Making him wince. Sharp intake of breath. He is struggling to get his jeans off, fiddling desperately with the zip. I just rip them down. Step out of mine that are pooled around my ankles. Let go of his nipple just long enough that I can pull my jumper over my head. There are clothes flying everywhere. We are behaving just like you see in those rom com movies. Shedding our clothes whilst we are desperately snogging across the room. I throw myself on his bed. Naked apart from my socks. I yank one off and throw it at him, which makes him laugh. He is stepping out of his jeans. Cock standing straight up. Hair all over the place. Slowly crawling onto the bed until he is straddling me. Grabbing my wrists and pinning them over my head. Oh, fucking hell. I don’t think I am going to last very long. He is just staring at me. Little smirk on his face. Leaning down ever so slowly. Licking the tip of my nose.   
‘’What is your plan then?’’ he teases. ‘’What ridiculously sexy thing are you going to do with me now that you have got me all naked in bed with you ?’’  
‘’I want your dick in my mouth’’ I blurt out. Then I blush. Then I laugh. Because he is smiling and kissing me at the same time and it’s all lips and saliva and laughter and I am so fucking horny that I think I might just die.  
He moves up over my body, letting his knees dig under my armpits. Leaning over so he is holding on to the headboard. His cock right in my face.   
I am breathing in little stutters. Catching the scent of him. I can almost taste him on my tongue. Well I do. I lick him. Long wet lines all the way from his balls to his tip. To the little wet slit at the top. My neck aching from the strain. He brings his hand down and pumps his shaft. Which is so fucking sexy that I whimper. Which seems to make him moan.   
I swat his hand away and take over. Lick the slit of his cock. Taste it. Nip at it. Pull the foreskin down with my hand so I can get to the head. Up and down in little soft movements. Long laps of my tongue. Trying to fit my mouth around him. Breathing on him. Blowing on him.   
He has his eyes closed above me. His hands gripping the headboard like he is about to fall off the edge of the earth. His knuckles white. His breath staggered. Little moans. Hard breaths. His hips jerking with every movement I make.   
I grab his hips with both hands and pull him down when I let his cock slide into my mouth. Not very deep. But still there. I can feel his body shake. The sounds he is making above me. My cock twitching with need behind his back. I understand threesomes now. I need a few more hands. Desperately. I need him to pump my cock whilst I suck his dick. Not that I can tell him that because I am a little busy letting my tongue move around him whilst he moves inside my mouth. Just little jerks in and out between my lips. Flavours hitting the back of my throat. Soft and salty and sweet swirling around with the saliva that is drooling down my chin. It’s probably not pretty. It’s probably up there with the worst fist blowjobs in the history of first blowjobs. But it’s making my head spin. Making my cock ache, making me moan around him. Making him whimper like he is trying to speak, but all that comes out is stuttered moans, rhythmical and fast. Hips jerking. My mouth trying to take more. My hands holding his hips. Fingers around his arse. Moving. Licking. Breathing. My breath through my nose whistling with the sounds that I think I might be making. I’m not so sure anymore. I just know I love it. That It’s the fucking kinkiest sexiest thing I have ever done. The way his hips are moving. The way my hips are twitching into thin air, looking for some imaginary friction.   
He comes with a roar above my head. A roar that probably has woken everyone up. Along with the creaking of the bed and the headboard banging against the wall. Things that I haven’t even noticed until now. There is warm fluid filling my mouth. His cock solid against the back of my throat. His hips shivering against my hands. I cough. I splutter. I choke a little. I swallow. I try to breathe. Gulping air. Snot shooting out of my nose. It doesn’t matter though. Nothing matters. I just lie there. Because he is moving down the bed, not even looking at me. He just leans over my cock and swallows me down. All the way to the root. Then sucks me hard as he comes back up.   
My mind goes blank. My head spins. I think I am pulling his hair with one hand. The other one has a death grip onto the headboard. I am coming. I am coming so hard I don’t know my own name. I don’t know who I am. I am nothing. I am air. Poof. Gone. I am no more. I hear someone shout. It sounds like me, but It can’t be. I am not here anymore.   
He has his arms around me. Rocking me gently. Kissing my temple. Fingers playing with the curls on my head.   
‘’So, you got your first blow job. Was it OK?’’ He whispers. ‘’Sorry I didn’t get to blow you longer but you kind of shot your load as soon as I put my mouth on you, so I guess it was OK?’’  
I try to speak but my mouth doesn’t seem to be capable of forming words. I just kind of mumble and nuzzle into his chest. Wrap my arms around him. I am still not quite me. I am still in some kind of sexual haze. Gone. I am so gone for him. I don’t know how I am going to put myself back together. So I don’t. I let myself go and drift off to sleep.   
He rubs my back and kisses my temple. I don’t remember anything else.


	11. The one where T has morning wood. And I am Super-Gay-Man.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Had a case of super crap idiotic non working wanking wifi going on. Fixed now. Thank God!
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVELY COMMENTS. I couldn't write this without you. I love hearing what you think. xxxxx

H  
I was a little bit drunk last night. I don’t feel too bad this morning though. I actually feel fine. Especially since T is wrapped around me like a little baby monkey. Snoring lightly into my chest. Moving around in his sleep, kicking and jerking. We have totally lost the duvet during the night, so we just have each other for warmth. He is an awful bed mate to be honest, can’t keep still, mutters and whimpers, kicks his legs around and snores and holds onto me like I am about to disappear. I don’t mind though. To be honest I love it. I love that he is here, that he wants to be here. I love that he cares. Well I love that he loves me. That he lets me love him back. 

Last night was epic. I mean that was freaking good sex. Horny. A little bit kinky. Then I sucked his cock. For less than a minute. Which makes me giggle thinking back. I was worried about that I didn’t last more than a minute with T’s talented mouth around me, and he couldn’t even last that. So, we are even. Which makes me feel better. 

The funny thing is I didn’t mind sucking his cock. I mean I had a few beers under my belt, but I wasn’t drunk. I wasn’t just doing it because I felt a little brave. I wanted to. I wanted to make him feel as amazing as he was making me feel. It was amazing. I love that I can make him come like that. That I can make him loose it. That I got to watch him fall apart so completely that he couldn’t even speak. 

I don’t think I have ever done that with a girl. Mostly I have had sex in the dark. A few times with the lights on. Never like this though. Ugh. I wrap my arms around him tighter. Wiggle in so that he is all flush against my chest. Moaning contentedly into his forehead. Sex with girls was great. Don't get me wrong. I just didn't have this. The fact that we are friends. That we love eachother. That he doesn't make me worry what he thinks. I know what he thinks. I think. 

He has got a boner. Well fuck me. Morning wood. I almost burst out laughing but stifle it into a giggle instead. My darling baby. Gorgeous boy. God I love him. I love how easy he is. How easy he is to love. How he is wrapped around me without a care in the world with his rock-hard cock poking me in the stomach. 

There is movement in the kitchen. Radio on. Faint voices talking and crockery clanging. In a moment, there will be coffee smells wafting through the air. I could get up and get us some coffee. A few slices of toast. With sliced banana. My stomach growls. 

He rolls over on his other side when I move. Legs drawn up underneath him. Blowing little spit bubbles in his sleep. His long erect cock waving at me. 

I lie down again. Head against his groin. And I lick his cock. Just for practice. Nobody watching. Nobody is judging me. I just want to play. Figure it out. So, I do. I kiss. Lick. His skin is hot. Taught. Deliciously him. The scent of him is even stronger down here. I bury my nose in his pubic hair. A little bit of sweat, a little bit of sex, but god help me 100% him. Heady and strong. Bottled up that smell would be a killer. I kiss the course hair under my lips. Breathe him in. Smell, Nuzzle. I moan. I am moaning into his balls. Licking them as well. Trying to see if I can get one of them into my mouth. (I can). Thinking to myself, is this sexy? (It fucking is, my cock is in full agreement at this point), and wondering if T would do this to me. Because I so want him to. I want him to do all this with me. 

He has rolled over on his back. Whimpering. Moving his hips. I don’t think he is quite awake.  
I let go of his ball out of my mouth with a wet pop. Smacking my lips. Fuck me I am so freaking gay right now that I should be wearing a rainbow flag for a cape. SuperGayMan. That’s me. I am sucking down his cock again. I can get it quite far down if I relax my mouth enough. Then I suck my cheeks in hard as I bring my head right up. Drooling all over him. Making him nice and wet. Moving down again. 

‘’What…ehhhr.. ahhghgg’’ T’s head has popped up. All sleep rumpled and adorable and flushed and looking incredible. Horny. Half asleep. Confused as fuck.  
‘’Go back to sleep T, I am just practicing. Don’t mind me’’ I say. Wink. And take his cock back into my mouth. All the way down. Wiggle my head a bit before his tip hits what must be my gag reflex and I end up spluttering all over him. I don’t throw up thank god. Just gag. And drool a lot. Which makes me feel like a dick for about half a second before I compose myself and get back to the task in hand. And mouth. And I suck his dick like a champ. Hard. Moving my head. Sucking. 

‘’don’t stop…ahhrgg…just there…yes. Yassss…’’ I am getting a bit of a soundtrack from above now. He has his head back on the pillow. His back arching up. Hand gripping the sheets. Fisting the fabric into a ball in his hand. Cock hard in my mouth. His leg twitching every few seconds. 

I can do this. I am a fucking cock sucking champion. I have a rhythm going now. Hand on his cock moving along with my mouth. Long hard sucks up. Deep breath going down. Wiggling my head around him as I hit the root. Trying not to mess up. 

It doesn’t even occur to me not to let him come in my mouth. I am all in with this shit now. All in. Because how can I not be? I am loving it. Loving how he is saying my name. Over and over up there. That it’s me that is making every muscle in his body spasm when I touch him. 

It’s actually really freaking sexy when he comes. It kind of compliments the whole experience. My mouth filling with flavours and heat. My jaw aching. Trying to smile whilst his dick is slowly softening in my mouth. Licking him clean. Fucking dirty boy. Horny little fucker. Well that’s me. Horny as fuck. Like I need to go and wank in the bathroom now to calm myself down. But hey. I remember. I don’t need to. I have T to help me with things like that now. I smile like an idiot again. Curl up on his shoulder. Kiss his cheek. Grind my fully erect cock against his hip. Shamelessly begging. 

He kisses me. Tongues and all. Which feels fucking kinky again. Because he is tasting himself in my mouth. Which is so hot and horny and dirty and kinky in so many ways that I just groan into him. Latch myself onto him and suck his lips. Clean his mouth out with my tongue. Grinding and rutting my cock against him, hoping he will take mercy on me and put me out of my horny misery. 

‘’Come on H, go and get us some coffee’’. He fucking sounds serious. I jerk my head off his shoulders and stare at him. He just laughs in my face.  
‘’Oh, was there something else you wanted?’’ Fucking cheeky sod.  
‘’Do I have to beg for it?’’ I whisper. Cheeky grin on my face. Then I blush. He is so going to make me ask for it isn’t he.  
‘’What do you want baby?’’ His hand is cupping my face. Lips on mine. Little dirty kisses.  
‘’I want you’’ Well that’s weak. I could do better.  
‘’What do you want. Tell me what you want." He is teasing me, I know. But his voice is strong. Sexy. Freaking turning me on. My cock grinding hard against his leg. My hips moving on their own.  
‘’I want you to make me come.’’  
‘’Not good enough H. How do you want me to make you come?" God He is pushing it. Pushing my buttons. His hand gripping my cock. Hard. Making me fuck his fingers. Hard and fast against his grip.  
I don’t reply. I am moving hard and fast fucking his hand. Sucking his bottom lip. Breathing against him. My fingers gripping his hipbone so hard I think I might be hurting him a little. Bruising his skin. 

He covers my mouth with his when I come, Making me shout filthy bad words into his mouth. Against his tongue. His hand loosening its grip, but still pumping me dry. Soothing me with kisses all over my face. Pulling me back so that I am just where I need to be. Held in his arms. Duvet up tucked in around our chins. Legs tangled in a mess of limbs. Cold come drying on our skin. 

‘’Fuck the coffee’’ I whisper. He kisses my head. Then we sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will update ''What If?'' Next. Dont worry though, they are off to the Cabin Next. Smut will follow. I will write as fast as I can.


	12. The one where we are not very clever. And thank god I was a boy scout.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oops! another chapter.

T  
I am taking my super gorgeous snazzy older new boyfriend on a mini break to a romantic cabin in the woods. I should probably have thought this through a little bit better. Made proper plans. I mean I could have sorted out a car we could have borrowed. H has a licence for God’s sake. That would have been a little bit classier than the bus we are on. An old cranky country bus that runs twice a day up to the woods. Stopping every 5 minutes at little dilapidated bus shelters covered in graffiti along picturesque country roads. Greys mounds of snow along the roadside. Dark green pine trees that make your vision blurry if you stare at them too long. It’s one of those normal grey winter days when it’s not quite cold enough to feel crisp, but not warm enough to warm you up. 

There are two other couples on the bus. Older couples who have been into town for their weekly outing to the shops no doubt. Sitting in silence next to each other cradling their shopping bags on their laps. Prim hats on their heads. Sensible gloves on.

H and I are at the very back of the bus. He is quiet. Looking out the window with his head leaning against the glass. His lips curled into a little smirk. We are not wearing sensible gloves. Or shoes. Were both wearing trainers which will be a freaking pain in the ass if there is snow on the trail up to the cabin. It’s not like they send snow ploughs up there every week. 

At least we bought food. Shopping with H was actually fun. We got hotdogs, because, hello. You need to have hotdogs. And hotdog rolls. Chilli ketchup. Boston Pickle. A loaf of crusty bread that is wafting its freshly baked scent up my nose and making my tummy growl. I can smell it even though it is tucked well inside the bag by my feet. Butter and Milk. A couple of beers. Because we can OK. And pasta, bacon, onions and cream. Italian herbs. I mean I have never bought stuff like that. Like proper ingredients to cook. But H can cook and he is making carbonara. Which is like my favourite thing to eat in the whole wide world. We bought a tiny piece of parmesan as well. H telling me that if there is no grater at the cabin it will be my job to chop it up into tiny little pieces to sprinkle on the pasta. My stomach is actually rumbling at the thought.   
We didn’t eat much for breakfast. I mean it was a little bit awkward. Well firstly H’s stepdad is a lunatic with a hoover fetish. He banged on our door for like 5 minutes saying that if we weren’t out so he could hoover the room within the next 60 seconds then he was barging in. That he couldn’t care less if the lock was on and we had 15 naked chicks in there. Which kind of got us jumping out of bed and getting clothes on super quick. Then we had coffee in the kitchen with H’s mum who kept looking at me with this little smile on her face, like she knew all about my kinky escapades with her precious firstborn. Well I know she knows. But anyway. It’s not like I want to bring it up in conversation or something. She said she was happy to see me. Said she was happy that I looked happier than last time. Which kind of made my tummy jolt. I am happy. I am so freaking happy I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. 

H is looking at me. Smiling. Leans over and kisses my cheek. Right there on the bus. Which makes me even more ridiculously happy. Makes me wish that I had splurged out some cash from my savings and hired us a limo. Borrowed a bottle of bubbly from Mum’s stash. Gone a bit wild and bought him a nice present or something.   
He moves his hand onto my leg. Tangles his fingers in mine. Which makes my smile even bigger. He is holding my hand on the freaking bus. Looking out the window. Letting his index finger draw little lines over my palm. 

I keep wondering if I have messed him up. If I should just have let him be. He was perfectly fine when we met. Straight, handsome and confident. He didn’t have single problem in the world. Then I came along with my massive instant crush on him and all my touchy-feely bollocks that I do, and kind of messed him up. I wonder if I turned him a little bit gay. If I was so pushy and intense and full on that he didn’t stand a chance. Was I?   
I have always been like that though. I touch people. I cuddle everyone. Well not as intimately as I cuddle H, but he is such a little snuggler and I just couldn’t help it. I always ask. Even before we took it way beyond cuddling, I always asked him if it was all right. If he wanted a cuddle. It wasn’t like I was jumping him and dragging him kicking and screaming onto the bed and cuddling him to death against his will. And anyway, he is touchy feely too. Always holds onto people’s arms when he speaks to them. Hugs all his friends. The dudes too. Man hugs. Big slaps on the back kind of things. 

I couldn’t help the crush though. I mean come on. Have you actually looked at him? He is freaking adorable. Handsome. Taller than me which is quite a feat since I tower above most my mates. He dresses really cool. Smiles like all the time. Charming and confident. And he let me hug him. He always let me be me.

That’s how I knew I had it bad. When I never got nervous around him. I never felt like I had to be anyone else but me. In all my crazy little quirks and habits. He just laughed at me whatever I did, hugged me and ruffled my hair. 

I have crushed on straight guys before. Blushed as soon as they walked into the room. Stuttered and behaved like an imbecilic twat around them. Always nervous. Felt like an idiot as soon as they spoke to me, coming out with ridiculous answers to their simple questions. It never worked. And hey, they were all straight dudes anyway. It’s not like I ever stood a chance. With H it was different from the start. He calmed me down. He was always there. Next to me. Leaning against me, whispering in my ear. Making little jokes. Comforting me when I messed up my lines. Kissing me like he loved me when we shot our scenes, and never ever making it awkward. 

I am so lost in my head that we almost miss our stop. Tumbling out like two idiots with our shopping bags clanging against the bus doors as they shut behind us. H grinning at me and laughing as I slip and end up sitting down in a pile of grey dirty slush. He helps me up and brushes the snow off my back. Kisses me right there on the side of the road. In the middle of a dark green forest. 

We should have worn better shoes though. And proper jackets. There is melting snow dropping from the trees, and muddy impossible slush to negotiate all the way up the steep hill. We both end up walking on the side in-between the trees instead as it’s easier to negotiate. Still we are soaked and wet and our shoes are pretty much fucked by the time we get up to the house. Which of course is freezing. We are not talking chilly here. Come on. We are in a summer house cabin in Norway in February. Excellent plan T. Just fucking brilliant.

‘’I really should have thought this through’’ I mutter. H just laughs. He is trying to fiddle around with the electric cabinet in the corner reading through my Aunties squiggly handwriting.   
‘’Ahaaa” he blurts out. ''And behold we have light. Hurray!!''

The cabin is basic. Rustic. Beautifully simple. I always loved coming here as a child. Wooden panelled walls and big old sofas that smell of dust and mothballs and pine. Big windows into the forest, the greens and browns turning black with the fading light. The absolute silence. 

There is a little ladder leading up to the loft area with its big bed and home made railings where I used play, imagining that I was the captain of a pirate ship. Ruler of the world. I don’t tell him that though. I show him the drawing I made when I was 5 instead, that Auntie still has pinned to the notice board. A ridiculous little stick man with my name in childish letters that make him laugh.   
I do impress him a little with my fire skills though. For once I am pleased that Dad made me persevere with the bloody boy scouts. I have a roaring fire going within a few minutes, crackling away in the fireplace. H still has his jacket and hat on, and has found a big snuggly blanket that he wraps around us both. So, we just stand there. Trying to get warm. My face against his. Foreheads touching. Shivering a little bit in my wet socks. 

‘’Not quite how I imagined our arrival at our cosy cabin getaway.’’ I am so cold that my whole body is shivering against him in ridiculous jerks, even with the blanket around us.  
‘’Haha, I was going to rip all your clothes off and suck your cock again as soon as we came through the door, but I don’t think I want to get naked just yet. I think we should get these jackets off though and try to get dry.’’ His voice is actually stuttering. Shivering. And his jacket is soaked. 

We really are idiots. We both agree. We haven’t packed anything useful. Nothing to lounge around in. Nothing warm to change into. So, we end up having a super short shower with the tiny amount of hot water we have managed to produce. Then we wrap ourselves up in blankets and the duvet from the bed and end up in front of the fire. Eating crisps. Drinking beer. Cursing the fact that we have no mobile reception. Laughing at ourselves. Talking shit. 

Then suddenly he is silent. Just looking at me. Face all stern and serious. Which scares me a little bit. Because he is just so beautiful. In his nakedness and damp hair and dark eyes. Duvet wrapped tightly around his shoulders. I crawl across to him, and make myself at home in his little duvet tent. Snug on his naked lap under fluffy down and crisp cotton. He wraps his arms around me. I just sit there curled up like a baby letting him hold me. Reveling in feeling warm again. Soaking in the heat radiating from his skin. Letting him kiss my head. It’s just perfect. Perfectly still and quiet. Fire crackling. Cold beers and salty crisps that have made my fingers all oily.

So I have to go and ruin it with my big mouth don’t I. Because I sit there and let my finger trace the soft outline of his nipple.   
‘’I want you to fuck me.’’ That’s what I say. And his breath catches in his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boston Pickle is a chopped up pickled gherkin condiment similar to what the Americans call Relish. It's freaking awesome on hotdogs.


	13. The one where we...well... do that thing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT ALERT. Graphic descriptions of male/male sex. You have been warned.

H  
He doesn’t say anything else. Just sits there on my lap. His face against my shoulder. Breathing. 

‘’Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know I am pushing you. I know this is kind of weird and maybe not what you need right now.’’ His voice is weak. He sounds small. Small and scared. 

I wrap my arms around him and hold him as tight as I can manage, with a big fluffy down duvet to hold onto. The room is still freezing when the fabric slips off my shoulder so I have to wriggle around a bit to keep us warm. 

‘’You are not pushing. I want to do everything with you. It’s just all new. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how to do things.’’ 

The fire is crackling. Heat radiating onto our faces now. I take another gulp of my beer.

He looks up at me. Leans up and kisses my lips. Tastes the drop of beer that is trickling down my chin. Kisses my neck. Soft little warm kisses that make me shiver. I love that my chin is stroking his hair. That his tongue is licking circles around my nipple. Just the lightest of feathery licks. I can feel the skin on my chest tightening. My nipples hard. My dick dancing.

‘’You will need to play with my arse a bit. Using your fingers. So I relax down there. I brought lube..’’ He is reaching out and rummaging in his bag. Hands me this little tube of stuff.

I must look all confused. He opens it and drizzles a little bit over my fingers. 

‘’Can you do it to me? Show me what you mean?’’ I seriously say that. Seriously. The thought of it is making me freaking horny.

He drizzles lube over his fingers. Tangles our hands together so we are both all slick and wet. Soft. It’s warm as well, dripping trails down my hand.

He is kissing me again, making me lean back so that I am flat on the floor. His lips against mine. Legs rubbing and tangling and moving, like we are trying to find a position that we can rest in. 

I don’t know what is causing my goosebumps. The fact that it is still a little cold in here, or that he is doing fucking sexy shit to me again. His tongue is a menace. I arch up at every touch. He is kind of kissing the inside of my legs. Licking my balls. Making me lift one leg up so he can reach. Just moving me about positioning my limps like he is creating an artwork. Admiring me. I just close my eyes and cover my face with my arms. I am a little bit embarrassed. A little bit scared. Mighty turned on. 

His fingers are just slowly working their way up my crack. Parting my butt cheeks. Slowly slowly touching across my hole. Which makes me panic for a second hoping I am clean. That I don’t smell. Wondering if there is toilet paper stuck down there or some other embarrassing shit. I only think like that for a second, because he pulls his fingers away and I shout ‘’no, don’t stop” and then I can hear him laughing.

‘’Just getting some more lube on baby. I don’t want to hurt you. Just relax and tell me if it’s too much.’’

It’s not too much. It’s horny. Sexy. A little bit ridiculous. 

Me with my legs spread far apart. Him on his stomach licking my balls and letting one finger tap at my opening. I almost burst out laughing when his finger moves inside. Just slowly. Breaching the ring of muscles with this soft wet slick glide. In, then out. In and out. Slow and soft.

I don’t have an orgasm when I poo for fucks sake. I mean you just don’t. So why the fuck is my cock twitching like it’s fucking Christmas? I think I am a seriously fucked up kinky shit at this point. I am grinding against his finger. Actually, begging for it. Whispering ’’More’’. Which makes me blush, but what the hell, it feels good. Tight and good and sexy and he is licking my cock as well. I need more. More. 

‘’I’m putting another finger in, OK? You OK? Feel Good?’’ His voice is a little wrecked. Like this is turning him on as much as its turning me on. 

‘’Ummopfggh’’ I moan. I meant to say yes, but there are now two fingers moving inside me and I am twitching and arching and moaning and I want to beg him to touch my cock and make me come. 

‘’Just relax baby, relax and let me love you Ok?’’ His mouth goes back to my cock. Sucks the head into his mouth. Just holding it there, licking. Smacking noises coming from his fingers moving in and out of me. Faster. Oh, fucking Jesus Christ and all that shit. 

‘’T, baby, I want you to put your cock there. I want to feel what it’s like.’’

I can’t believe I just said that. I don’t care though. It’s like a million nerve endings down there ignite at once. There is something he touches and I just arch off the floor. Howling.  
‘’Do that again’’ I pant. He does. I squeal. I moan. My dick is in his hand.   
‘’Are you sure?’’ He whispers.   
‘’Oh, fuck T just do it. ‘’ I am not cold any more. There are drops of sweat running down my forehead. The warmth of the fire bathing my naked body in heat. His mouth on my stomach, his fingers leaving their warm slick home in my arse. I whimper when he pulls them out. Moan shamelessly. Pre-come running down in a little line from my slit. 

I reach down and pump my cock. Just slowly, there is still lube on my fingers which is just delicious. Smooth and warm. 

T has a condom wrapper between his teeth. Lube trickling over my cock. I am so grateful I just moan again. Slather my skin with the warm fluid. Watch his face. He is all flushed, cheeks red. Chest blushed. Eyes on fire. 

‘’Are you sure? I can’t believe we are doing this. God H, you are so fucking beautiful. I can’t believe you are doing this with me.’’ He is rambling. He is fucking beautiful. I am just a mess. A shivering whimpering cock-pumping wanking mess. 

He has the condom rolled on in one smooth action. There is no way he hasn’t practiced that. I want to laugh but I am too turned on. His fingers are working lube around the condom, making it glisten in the light from the fire. 

I get manhandled again. Legs up in the air, his thighs under my arse lifting me up. Those dark eyes on mine. Just watching me. Making sure this is OK, that this is what I want. It is. It is everything I want right now. I don’t care if it will hurt. I don’t fucking care. I need him inside me. I need us to do this. I nod. Holding his gaze. I don’t need words. We don’t.

The pressure when he breaches me feels like he is about to rip me apart. I try to relax but I can’t help but wince. He stops. We are both breathing so hard that I think I might pass out. I just hold his gaze. Watch his face. Breathe. His hands on my legs. His eyes on mine. 

Then he moves again. Soft and steady. Filling me up. 

It’s not nice. Its fucking strange. Feeling like he is inside me. Well the truth is that he is inside me. Moving slowly. I moan, well whimper. Then we are both still. I think he must be all the way in. Still watching me. Looking so ethereally beautiful with his damp curls around his temples, his chest moving up and down and his teeth biting his bottom lip. 

‘’Fucking hell H, you feel amazing. Oh fuck. I can’t breathe. It’s just amazing. God I love you. Oh. ‘’

I don’t know how long we stay like that, just breathing. Watching. Then he closes his eyes. Makes some little sounds that just make me melt. 

‘’Move’’ I don’t know what makes me say it, but I need it. I need him to move. 

He does. Pulls out and slams back in. Hard. Fast. Its fucking mind blowing. He hits that spot on the fourth of fifth time. I scream. I fucking shout the cabin roof off. I think. I find his arms and dig my nails into his skin. Urging him on. His eyes closed and mouth wide open. Hips pistoning in and out of me. My cock on full alert, bouncing hard against my stomach with every move. I want to let go and jerk myself off, but I don’t seem to be able to let go of him. I can’t get my brain to work.

‘’I am….Can’t last…Coming…Oh….’’He is trying to speak but there is just mumbling coming out of his mouth.

I am just lost in it all. The intensiveness of him filling me, Fucking me. That there is nothing else that is important right now. He is chasing his orgasm, his head completely lost in pleasure. His mouth whispering that he loves me. He loves me he loves me he loves me. 

I am pumping my slick cock. Hard and fast. Shouting out things that don’t make any sense. My arse on fire. My body twitching and shuddering.   
I can feel it when he comes. The way he slams into me and falls on my chest. Howling. Shouting my name. Over and over until he can only whisper it.

I came somewhere along the line. My cock is soft and spent between us. My hand stuck under his weight. I just got lost in him falling apart. Watching his face scrunched up in a scowl as he was about to shoot. His chest flushed and bright, shiny with sweat. 

It takes a while before I can speak. Before I can form words. Then I don’t know what to say. 

I just hold him. My legs shaking as I try to get them to straighten out. Roll onto my side with him in my arms as his spent cock slides out of me. Which feels so weird and strange that I almost wish I could get him to stick it back up there again. So we can be together like this forever. 

‘’Wow’’ I whisper. Kissing his hair.   
‘’I love you’’ he whispers back. 

I don’t know where we go from here. Where the fuck do we go from here.


	14. The one where I lose my nerve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. Slow burn going on here. I am sorry.

T.  
I start to laugh first. I mean come on. What the fuck just happened.

‘’I think I just lost my virginity’’. I am howling with laughter. Ridiculously so. I think it’s the relief. And the absurdness that I was thinking that he would really go for the fact that I offered him to fuck me. That I was nervous about it. Nervous is wrong. It terrified me. Just the thought of it. Then he just flipped the tables on us and I ended up topping. My first time. Which was just, I can’t even describe it. 

‘’Thank you Thank you Thank you’’ My face buried in his neck. Laughing. My brain doesn’t seem to work at all. I’m delirious still. Blabbing nonsense into his neck. Kissing his skin. Probably drooling all over him. Well there is lube everywhere. On my fingers on my legs. On him. I’m suspiciously slimy on my back as well where his hands are drawing circles over my shoulder blades. 

H is just quiet. Breathing into my hair. His chest moving slow and steady against mine.  
‘’Are you OK baby? Did I hurt you? Oh god, I didn’t hurt you did I?’’ I steady myself on my elbow and lean over him. He is smiling so ridiculously hard at me that I just burst out laughing again.

‘’You wrecked me. Totally. What the fuck was that all about T? Fucking awesomely ridiculous. I can’t believe you did that to me.’’  
‘’You were begging for it baby. Begging.’’  
‘’Never. Was I? ‘’ He is laughing with me too. Holding onto my arms. Looking at me the way he does. ‘’There is so much more I want to do with you. I just want to be with you. Love you. Have lots of sex with you. Kiss you. Loads.’’  
His eyes all warm and soft. Telling me a million little things without saying a single word.

I just kiss him. Soft and sweet. Little flicks of my tongue.

He raises his head up and lets it fall back down against the floor.  
‘’We need to eat first. Clean ourselves up. I am covered in, this lube stuff. ‘’ He shakes his hand. Wipes it on his hip. It’s pretty hopeless. It’s everywhere.

I kiss him again. Get up on my knees. Pull him up so he is sitting next to me. My hands on his face. His hands on my hips. 

‘’Thank you for being my first. My first in so many amazing ways.’’ I stop myself. I know what will happened next. I will get all emotional and cry. Freaking tears, pooling in the corners of my eyes.  
‘’You are my first too. My first man. And I loved it. I did.’’ He is looking so sincere. All calm. Full of love. Which doesn’t help. I sob. Tears falling down my cheeks. I am a fucking ridiculous mess. 

‘’We need to eat. Food. Proper stuff. Then you will feel better. He is wiping my cheeks. Well smearing lube over my face which makes me kind of hiccup-laugh. I can only nod. Throw my arms around him and let him hold me. Let him put me back together again. Back to some kind of normal me. 

‘’How many condoms did you go through practicing getting one on that smoothly?’’ he is teasing, eyes full of laughter.  
‘’Packet and a half’’ I laugh back in his face. Nudging his nose with mine. ‘’I split the first two. Rolled them the wrong way. Got one on too tight. Freaking disgusting things. Spilled lube everywhere.’’  
‘’You practiced with the lube too?’’ He slaps my shoulder. Leans back with that twinkle in his eyes.  
‘’I didn’t want to look like a looser dork or something. I mean you know what you are doing. How many packets did you go through practicing?’’  
‘’None. Did a perfect roll first time.’’  
I blush. I feel like an inadequate virgin. Then remember I am not anymore. And anyway, he is laughing at me and pulling me back into his chest. Whispering ‘’I practiced a lot. Went through about 3 boxes. Cost a fortune. Flushed them down the loo and Dad went mental. He had to call out the plumbers to fix the blockage.’’

We clean ourselves up with some cheap shampoo we find in the bathroom. Both of us trying to share the trickle of water from the shower head, and scrubbing each other’s backs. Lazy kisses on our drying skin. Shivering in the cold until we are both back in front of the fire. Naked. Sharing the one towel we found on the rail.  
H is shaking again. The way he does when he hasn’t eaten for a while. Crisps and beer don’t seem to count, and I know how he feels. I feel a bit nauseous with hunger too, and with nerves. Wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew. Feeling euphoric yet my stomach is a bundle of nerves, taunting me.

The crusty loaf of bread doesn’t stand a chance, me feeding him big slabs of bread with butter on. Ripping them from the loaf with my hands and shoving them in his mouth whilst he sits on the chair in front of me lining up our food shopping on the kitchen table. 

We make do. We are actually pretty good at this cabin living shit. I mean if you turn on the oven full blast and leave the door open then the kitchen is kind of warm and cosy. And I sneak outside and grab another load of firewood from the porch, loading and stoking the logs until the fire is roaring again.  
I am wearing underpants and a hoodie. H is wearing underpants. And his knitted hat. Chopping bacon and onions and garlic that crackle when it hits the hot butter in the frying pan. Me grating parmesan like a pro whilst I am boiling the pasta. I can do pasta. Salt, Pepper, cream and eggs. H kissing my neck and holding my hand as I stir it all together. Feeding me one spoon full after the other of pasta straight from the pan. Wincing when I slap his bum.

‘’I’m so sorry’’ I almost shout.  
‘’Nah, it’s just a bit..’’ He wiggles his bum. Adjusts his briefs. ‘’Just feels a bit strange down there. Not bad. It’s not sore. And anyway. I know what I am doing now. I have had my first lesson in anal sex. So I get you do you next.’’  
‘’You get to DO me?’’ I pretend to look shocked. ‘’ I don’t know what you mean.’’  
His face is right up to mine. In my face. Fingertips on my cheeks. Eyes on mine. Lips ghosting over mine which makes me tremble. Well I am shaking with all the emotions that seem to erupt out of me at once.

I catch my breath in my throat. Go Stiff as a board as he kisses me. His body hungry and hard pressing me up against the stove. Tears welling up in my eyes as his fingers stroke my face. 

He stops as the first sob leaves my chest. Looks at me with all the confusion in the world. Scared and flustered and flushed.  
‘’I’m not ready.’’ I whisper. ‘’I’m not ready for all this.’’


	15. The one where I fucking talk the talk.

H  
I don’t know what on earth just happened. I mean he is freaking out right here in my arms. Scaring the shit out of me. Sobbing and gulping air and holding onto my biceps with claw like fingers.   
‘’I want to….but I can’t…I am just scared…not ready…they you will leave me and I will be a mess…and then It will never be the same…and I’m scared I will be rubbish and freak, and that it will hurt and I can’t take it and I don’t want to hurt you and..’’ 

I am trying to shush him, to press him against me so I can hold him properly, but he is talking too fast. Making me dizzy. I can’t even make sense of half of it.   
‘’T, baby, darling, you are freaking out a bit, and freaking me out too. So, calm down baby. Just calm.’’ I shush. I try to get a grip on him but he is just sobbing. Big hysterical sobs. Like the world is coming to an end. 

I don’t blame him. Really. He has been under a lot of pressure the last couple of weeks. With me being an arsehole when he probably needed me to be there for him. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me, which is a rubbish thing to realize since he has always been there for me. I’ve been a shit friend again. And a shit boyfriend. We should have talked about these things. Instead I have just been having sex with him like a kid exploring a new sweetie shop, desperate to try out everything.

We need to eat I decide. Food helps. So, I kind of clumsily lead him over to the table and sit him down. He is still gulping air and won’t look at me. Just hangs his head in his hands. His shoulders shaking. 

‘’T, Look at me. ‘’ I sit down next to him. Angle the chair so that I can kind of get him close to me, holding his hands. ‘’We don’t have to do anything. If I can just stay here and cuddle you for the rest of the weekend, then I will be the happiest man alive. I don’t expect anything. I just want to be with you. That’s all. You are my best friend and my lover and my… well you are my baby. You are mine. And that doesn’t mean that I need to have anal sex with you if you don’t want to. Hell, if we never ever have anal sex again that is fine. Absolutely fine. Some couples go through a whole life without doing stuff. There is no pressure. Honest. I love you. I want to be with you. The rest doesn’t matter. There are other things we can do. ‘’ 

I go quiet. I am rambling again.

‘’ Although I really enjoyed you fucking me. You can do that again any time you want to. It was hot.’’

He is snivelling. Shaking a little. Looking down at his hands. Almost embarrassed.   
‘’It is OK to freak out. I mean for God’s sake T, look at me. I freak out so much that you have to shout at me and bloody throw pastries at me to get me to pull my shit together. It’s OK. We are not meant to figure this out overnight. ‘’  
‘’I can’t bear the thought of you leaving me. I don’t want you to leave me. I will do anything if you just stay.’’ His voice is barely a whisper.

‘’Why would I leave you?’’ I am getting a little bit angry now. ‘’T, what the fuck, why the fuck do you think that I would leave you? I may be an arsehole, and do shitty things and I am not always the nicest person to be around, but why the fuck do you think I would leave?’’

‘’I don’t know.’’ He whispers. ‘’Maybe because I’m not a girl. Maybe because you are not Gay. Maybe because I am just pushing and pushing and trying to get you to see how good we are together, and I just don’t know what else to do. ‘’

‘’You don’t have to do anything. You are just you, and I am just me. And you said it yourself. I am not gay. But I am not straight either. What the fuck does it matter. I am in love with you. With you. And maybe I am not doing this right either, maybe I am pushing you too fast, but I love this. I love what we are doing. I want more. I don’t want this to end.’’ I am walking now. Pacing the room. Throwing my arms in the air as I speak. 

‘’But could you do it H? Could you honestly do it? Come out to all your mates and show me off as your boyfriend? Could you? Could you see a future for us? Living together? Having a life? Having kids? Have you thought about it?’’

‘’What the fuck do you think I have been doing last week? I thought about everything. I thought so hard and so much that I thought I was going to lose my mind. Could I do it? Honestly it scares the fucking crap out of me. But I would. I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat. And you know why?’’

I stop and sit down on the chair again. Grab his hands. Stare at him so intensely that he just has to look up and look at me. He looks crushed. Broken. Sad and tearful.   
‘’I would do it for you. Because I would hate to live my life without you in it. Because you would do it for me.’’ My voice is low. Angry. A little hurt. 

It’s the truth. I am hurt because I know he is telling the truth. He knows me. But in this moment in time it is clear in my head. I would. I would happily risk everything. And anyway, what have I got to risk? The friends that matter will hang around. The ones that don’t, well fuck them. I mean what kind of friends would leave you for loving someone? 

‘’I am just so scared. I am scared that this will end. I know you love me. I love you. I love you so fucking much, and I am just this kid that hasn’t got a clue what I am doing. I am just trying to make you see that this is no different from you having a girlfriend. Which is so fucked up in my head that I can’t even explain it right now.’’ He snorts. Wipes his face on his sleeve. Let’s me kiss him. Thank god. I needed to kiss him. I kiss him like loads. Desperate little kisses on his face. On his cheeks. On his eyelids. 

‘’It is no different. And if I had a girlfriend and she told me that she didn’t like the idea of anal sex then do you think I would push it?’’  
‘’No’’ I lift his chin so that he is looking at me again. He is just him. Breathtakingly beautiful in all his tear stained self.   
‘’Then we need to be honest. You need to trust me T. I would never hurt you. Well I know I have hurt you the last week, but I will never ever ever hurt you if I can help it. I will try to be a better person. A good boyfriend. I will listen. Tell me what you need and I will give it to you. Tell me what scares you and what you don’t want and I will respect that. Absolutely.’’

He snorts. Nods. Plays with my fingers that are resting on his lap.   
‘’And since I am apparently a natural Bottom even if I am straight, then you can be a Topper. Or a Top. Or whatever it is it’s called when you….Top’’ I wink at him.   
He smiles. Cracks a little smile. 

‘’I want to. I want to know what it’s like. It just scares me. I keep thinking it’s going to hurt even though I know it shouldn’t. And I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want to lead you on and then freak out and stop. And I might not be good at it.’’

‘’Are you listening to yourself? You are the bloke who turned me all gay with all your sexy freaking antics. How the fuck can you think that you wouldn’t be any good at it? You are like my sex god. I want to be like you. I want to be able to relax and let go like you do. Have you seen yourself? Have you ever looked in the mirror when you come??’’  
‘’No. Why would I do that? That’s a bit crazy. Have you?’’ He is smiling. A little bit more like himself. Cheeky. Little sod.   
‘’No. But you should watch yourself. It’s the fucking sexiest thing ever. You just. It’s like you are floating. Like you are not even here.’’

He blushes. And looks at me from under his eyelashes. Little smile on his face.  
‘’You are beautiful when you come. I would rather watch you.’’ That earns him more kisses.   
‘’Then do. Just watch me. And then tell me that you are not good in bed. Because you do that. That’s you doing that to me. That’s why I am here. Because I love you. And I love how you make me feel. ‘’  
‘’I love you too’’  
‘’I know you do’’ I wink at him and get up. Grab the pot of carbonara that has now become a stodgy luke warm mess. ‘’Which is why I have made you Carbonara. And which is why I am now going to make you eat so we can go and snuggle in front of the fire, and then I will give you a mind-blowing blow job before we go sleep.’’ I shove a spoonful of pasta into his mouth. Making him smile. Chew. Wipe his eyes again. 

I shove a spoonful in my mouth too. It’s OK. Would have been better warm but at least the egg hasn’t scrambled. Just stodged up a bit. The flavour is good. Lots of parmesan. T gets another mouthful. And another one for me. 

He grabs another beer from the bag on the floor. We should have chilled them. We are officially fucking useless. 

‘’I will not leave. I am all over this thing with you now. Being with you. I love you. I love being with you. So, fucking deal with it. You are stuck with me.’’ I wink. Shove another spoonful in his mouth.   
He cracks open a beer and hands it to me.   
‘’Thank you. For getting me. Sorry for freaking out. I wanted to make this weekend all about sex and us and just make it so awesomely good that you would see how good we could be together. I thought if I would let you fuck me then you would see that you would still get to have sex. Like properly…. You know. Penetrating and all that shit. That you wouldn’t miss out.’’

I don’t know what to say back. ‘’Don’t ever do that again. Don’t ever make yourself do something that you really don’t want to do just because you think that I will want it. I don’t. If you don’t want to do it then I don’t want to do it. Final.’’ I eat. Mouth full of bacon. Glaring at him.

‘’I won’t. But I might change my mind one day. I might want you to fuck me one day. I’m just not quite…. I’m not ready. And when we do I want it to be right. I want it to be good.’’

‘’It will be. It will be amazing. When you are ready. If you want to. And if you don’t ever want to that is fine too. I will just have to wank. Get one of those, what are they called? The tubes you can buy?’’  
‘’A Fleshlight? What have you been googling H? Fucking hell?’’ He laughs. Which makes my chest feel all warm. He is back. Back in the room. A little bit more like himself, helping himself to another spoonful from the pan. Cracking open his beer.  
‘’Straight guys buy them too. I know how to Google. OK?’’ I Laugh. Laughter. I love when he laughs. I flick a piece of spaghetti at him. 

He leans over and kisses me. Soft lips and breath and skin. His fingers on my chin.  
‘’I love you. I love you I love you I love you’’   
‘’I love you too’’ I say. I do. I really do.


	16. The one where I make everyone have a shit day. Sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates. They should be coming thick and fast later this week. 
> 
> Apologies for the shameless fluff.

T  
A lot has changed this week. Then again, a lot is still the same. I still end up daydreaming throughout Monday at school. Thinking back to our weekend at the cabin. Smiling to myself at the memories. Of us laughing. Cuddling. Doing ridiculously sexy things. Grilling hotdogs in the fireplace in the middle of the night, then curling up and sleeping on the floor in front of the fire. We never made it to bed. Then we slept all day yesterday and almost missed the bus back. At least we had dry clothes to put on.

We talked a lot. I almost feel like a different person. A more honest person. I have figured out some stuff as well. I mean I spend almost all my time thinking about H. Thinking about how to fix him. How to make him happy. Make him laugh. Make him smile.

I know that I don’t really have to. I don’t have to think so hard about it. I can let go a little. Let him fix me back instead. He is pretty good at doing that. He is awesome at calming me down. Sorting my head out a little. Cuddling me to sleep. 

I woke up with him holding me this morning, which was like the most wonderful feeling in the whole world. He stayed the night again. Then left early this morning wearing my clothes which is funny as hell. It makes me smile knowing he is at work wearing jeans that are 2 inches too short for him and that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about it. That he told me that he will be thinking of me all day wearing my clothes. That he loves that they smell like me. 

There is still a nagging doubt sitting like a knot in my stomach. That fear that he will turn around and change his mind. That we are nowhere near safe in being us. I don’t trust us. I don’t quite trust that he loves me. It’s all in my head, I know that. I know he tells me he does. I fucking trust him with my life. I do. I know he loves me. I just need my head to catch up.

The day is snaking by at a snail’s pace. I can’t concentrate. I can’t think. I am pacing around the corridors trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself until 3.30 when I can escape from this place and go and find H. Nothing seems to help. I feel like a caged animal. I sit with my friends and try to join in the conversation. I try to read. I go on fucking twitter. Then feel like throwing up. 

The fame thing is really getting to me. I just need a break I think. Not that it’s bad but it’s been pretty constant since we wrapped the last season. I have kept totally off the radar on social media. I mean it’s just ridiculous the amount of attention the series has had. I check twitter sometimes. My friends send links to stuff. I keep my fb private. And my Insta is pretty hidden. I mean even my mates forget who I am on there, they keep showing me my posts and saying,’’ is this you again?’’ Yep. I suppose it’s bad when even your mates don’t know who you are anymore.

It’s the fans that get quite frightening at times. I know most of them mean well. They just want a photo (in which I look like a total idiot most of the times) and then they want to cuddle me which is fine, but sometimes it gets a bit intense. It can get quite scary. I get that they are emotional, but it’s just me. I am nobody. I am just a dude who likes doing drama. Who got a bit lucky.  
We have had all the media training. We have had training in how to deal with it. I know what I should be doing, being all polite and kind and saying ‘’Sorry not today’’ and shit, but I kind of struggle at saying no. 

3.30 finally rolls on. Thank the fucking God and all that. David is waiting for me as usual, all stressed out as his Dad is picking him up for some important family shit they have going on. I am stressed as I need H. For once I need him. I want him. I want to lie in bed with him and feel loved. I want to just lie there and let him take away all the doubts in my head. I want him to kiss me and tell me that I am beautiful. The way only he can. Little whispers against my skin. 

The corridors are too crowded for my taste, I kind of bounce into people, apologizing lamely at Randoms behind me who shout ‘’oi!’’ as my elbows do their thing. At least I apologize. David is shouting at his Dad on his phone, telling him to hang on for him and that he is not taking the fucking bus.  
I take the stairs in double jumps, almost gasping into the sunlight when we finally hit the front doors. Cold air hitting my lungs and making my chest tighten up. Oh fuck. This is the last thing I need. I know this fucking feeling. The panic of not being able to breathe. I get panicky sometimes. I get panicky when I am tired. When I am emotional. When I think I cannot breathe. When my heart starts beating so fast that I think I am having a heart attack. 

I grab David’s arm and try to speak but it’s just a gasp. He is still on the phone. Not quite interested in me and my stupid fuck-shit panic attacks. Which of course makes me panic a bit more. I don’t want to stand here in front of all the people milling about at school and have a full-blown tantrum. I am not 2 years old. I am a fucking adult. A fucking adult who can’t breathe very well. I sit down on my hunches pretending to look for something in my bag. Feeling a little light headed. Knowing full well that there is nothing wrong with me at all. 

I stand back up too fast, making my head spin. Trying to stop my vision blurring and feeling dizzy. Grabbing David’s arm. Thank fuck. He gets it. He fucking gets it for once. 

He is back on the phone ringing someone. Shouting down the phone. Walking me back towards the school.  
‘’I need to go see H’’ I whisper. ’’I need to go see him.’’  
‘’You need to sit down’’ David says. Sternly.  
I turn around and drag him back towards the road. Spotting a group of girls grinning like they have just won the lottery. They are stupidly excited. Phones ready to line up for their selfies. Moving towards us en masse. 

David is holding on to my arm, back on the phone. Trying to pull me back. Whispering ‘’Leave it T, we are not doing this today. You are not up for it. I am not up for it. Let’s get the fuck out of here’’

The girls are almost halfway across the yard. I am backing up towards the school. David shouting on the phone. I turn around. Fumbling blindly for the door handle. Tears forming at the corners of my eyes. I can’t do this anymore. I am not built for this. I am not made for this. I just can’t.  
I end up sitting on the stairs inside whilst the school administrator goes out and tells the poor girls to go home. To get off the school property. To leave me the fuck alone. I am officially an arsehole. I am. I am just fucking scared. I don’t feel particularly idolized and loved. I feel vulnerable and frightened and seriously confused. 

I also feel like a dork as David’s Dad comes in and wraps his big winter coat over my shoulders and leads me outside to his car that he has driven up to the actual doors across the yard.  
‘’I feel like bloody James Bond’s security doing this’’ he mutters. Laughing though.  
He even holds the doors open when David and I get in. Giving the school administrator a wave. Earning David and myself a one fingered salute from a couple of guys hanging around outside. The fan girls are nowhere to be seen. Thank God.

At least I can breathe. My heartbeat slow and steady. My hands wet with sweat. Feeling far too warm with David’s Dads coat still wrapped around me. 

David’s dad doesn’t even blink when I ask to be dropped at H’s. He just nods and drives. David keeping his eyes on me. Silently asking if I am OK. I look back at him. I know he knows what I am saying. Sorry for being a dick. Sorry for not coping with this shit. Thank you for being my friend. 

He has also called H, which is like the kindest thing. I mean he is David after all. He listens. He hears shit. Picks things up. And now he is on the phone with H arranging for him to come down and get me out of the car like some invalid pensioner. I can’t even begin to tell him how freaking grateful I am for doing that. I hardly even say thank you as we stop on the pavement. As H rips the car door open and gets me out of the car. He hugs David. Big Slap on the back kind of hugs. Hugs David’s Dad. Then grabs my bag from my shoulder and holds the gate open. I stand there like an idiot. But I do run back and give David a hug too. He just laughs at me. Mumbles ‘’Shit day. Same shit tomorrow. We need to learn to deal with it. Man the fuck up of something.’’ I know what he is saying. 

We start filming in a couple of days. Once season 4 airs shit will hit the fan. Literally. Lots more attention. We will probably have to do press at some point. I mean we are getting lots of offers. I don’t know though. I just feel like curling up under a duvet and sleeping until Christmas. 

H is dragging me up the stairs. Holding my elbow as I kick my shoes off. Treating me like a frail grandmother.  
‘’I’m not ill H. I just had a shit day’’  
‘’I can tell. You look like shit. David said you had a panic thingy’’  
‘’Nah, almost. The start of one. It didn’t get bad. We had to go hide from some poor fans though, and David sent that scary looking administrator out to shout at them. The fans are probably hurling abuse at us on Twitter as we speak. Posting photos of me freaking out and David shouting. Embarrassing as fuck. Not his fault. But to be honest he wasn’t up for it either. ‘’

H is taking my clothes off as I am speaking. Undressing me right there in his hallway. I am kind of half expecting his mum to walk out and catch me stark naked. Not that I am naked, he leaves my underpants on. Wraps me in his gorgeous navy fleecy dressing gown. Ties the belt with a double knot at the front and wraps me up in a cuddle.  
‘’This dressing gown always makes me feel better. Warm. Cuddled up in softness and warmth. So, you need to wear it. OK?’’  
I smile. Kiss him. Soft kisses. Lots of tongue. 

Somehow calm descends on me. I don’t know what it is with H. What it is when he is here with me. I suppose this is what love is. When you need the other person to breathe the same air as you to feel right. To feel calm. Alive. 

He walks me out in the kitchen, holding on to my arms and pushing me in front of him. Sits me down at the table then reaches for the dressing gown collar. Folds the lapels in so that I am nice and snug. My clothes left in a messy pile on the hallway floor. 

There are two mugs of hot chocolate in front of us. H spooning dollops of whipped cream out and making little mountains floating in the chocolate sea. Sprinkling powder on the top. Smearing a trail of cream on my nose and kissing it off. Spilling stuff on the floor and cursing himself. 

We sit there until the sunlight is gone and its dark outside. H with his feet on my lap. Me curled up in his dressing gown. His family cooking dinner around us. My clothes still in a pile on the floor. 

Somehow the knots in my stomach have disappeared and been replaced with butterflies. Little annoying shits that make me flutter and giggle every time I catch H’s eye. Every time he lets his heel discreetly rub against my cock. 

I do my homework on his bed after dinner, whilst he reads next to me. Then I blow him. And in the morning I wake up with my face against his chest, and his arms tight around me.


	17. The one where I sit on the fucking Evak bench.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Skole brod is a cardamon brioche style bun filled with custard and covered with shredded coconut. Scandinavian pastries and cakes is an artisan craft and is always served fresh at bakeries and cafe's. Boller is giant buns usually flavoured with cardamon and cinnamon, but there are versions with berries, raisins and chocolate. Gorgeous.  
> Norwegian Fishcakes is Egg Fish and spices fried up in butter to form a solid fish omelette. It's got a funny texture but is gorgeous. Real Comfort food.

H  
I wake him up with kisses. Just little pecks against his forehead. Tiny little touches.  
I am actually squashed against the wall and my arm is dead, which is really uncomfortable to be honest, but how can I move when he is looking so fucking cute asleep on my chest with his arm around me? I mean he has been chasing me in his sleep all night. Every time I roll over, he rolls with me. Moves his body so he is still plastered against me.

I don’t mind it. Not at all. I am not complaining here. It’s lovely. I love that he loves me. I love that he needs me. At one point, I rolled over so only our bums were touching which made me giggle out loud. It was fucking absurd. Lying in bed smiling because my bare bum was rubbing against his hairy arse. Funny how shit like that makes me happy. It’s bloody ridiculous. But cute. 

I loved yesterday. Loved how we just hung out in the kitchen, chilled and relaxed. I was so proud of my family too, how they just took it for what it was. T in my dressing gown on a chair. Me in my chill out clothes. Lots of hot chocolate. Fresh sweet skolebrod with custard and coconut from the bakery down the road. Total sugar rush before dinner. I mean Mum always makes the staff at the bakery cut up the buns in pieces, so we can all share and try a little piece of each bun. She always buys 4 buns in different flavours, cinnamon, raisin, chocolate and a skolebrod saying that she will freeze whatever we don’t eat. There is never anything to freeze. I mean come on Mum. How can you not finish pastries that are fresh and a little warm from the oven still despite the walk home from the bakery? 

 

Then it started snowing outside, and we had dinner with the remnants of the Christmas candles lit at the table. Mum telling T off for not finishing his vegetables which made him blush. We had Fishcakes again, which is my favourite. I love the home-made ones, but these were shop bought. Rubbery and solid but I have always loved them. They remind me of being a kid at school. Mash and gravy and carrots and peas. My stomach growls at the thought. 

I need to get T up. He will be late for school and totally blame me as I switched off his alarm. I have been pressing snooze for the last half hour whilst lying here admiring the top of his head and enjoying the heat from his body. The skin on skin. The little wet spot on my chest where he drools in his sleep. 

I nudge him again. Kiss him gently on his forehead. Try to get my arm to cooperate in moving so that I can get some blood flow back. It’s actually painfully dead now. Tingling and aching as I try to move. 

I don’t like doing it but I have to tip him over so I can sit up. He just growls and tries to get back under the duvet. Fucking teenaged boys I think to myself. I remember it well. I mean I am just as bad getting out of bed when It’s just me. But I feel oddly responsible for getting T to school. Not that I wouldn’t prefer him to stay in bed with me for the rest of the day. I could let him fuck me again. I would like that. Like a lot. It was fucking hot. I would like to do lots of sexy things to him too. If I didn’t know better, I would go down under the duvet and blow him. Blow him awake. 

Fuck it. He still has time. He will just have to be a little smelly today. I rip the duvet off him and go to work. Kissing his stomach that trembles with the sudden hit of cold air. The growling sounds he makes, turning over trying to scoop me back up in a cuddle. I duck under his arms and straddle his legs. Pin him down with my body. Kissing his hips. Watching his cock come to life.

I love the sounds he makes. I love how he is just barely awake. His face scrunched up in concentration, confusion and bliss. I even love how he tastes in the morning. Flavours and scents lingering from last night. Sleep-warm and relaxed. Moaning as I start to lick his slit. Lapping across the foreskin as I fold my fingers around his shaft. 

He stretches his body out underneath me, all arms and legs and muscle and skin moving underneath my hands. His cock filling my mouth. It’s funny how we fit. How I can just about fit him in. How I am learning what to do. How to make him feel good. I mean it’s much easier than with a girl. I know what I like. I know what to do with a penis. I know how to touch balls to make your whole body tingle. I know where the good spots are. I am learning where T’s little spots are. Just at the top of his groin. On the side of his hip. The back of his neck. I kiss them all. I know what it does to him. I know what it does to me when he touches me. 

I almost drift of in my head thinking about it when he arches up from the bed. Hips pressing against my chest. He is coming hard into my mouth. Growling and fisting his hands in my hair. Pulling a little harder than he should. Not that I mind. It’s hot. It’s making my dick hard. Making me want to slide up and shove my cock in his mouth. But he will be late. I am a responsible human. I will have to make do with a long hard wank in the shower later instead. 

I do kiss him though. Hard. I can’t get over his kisses. He is the fucking king of kissing. Cleaning my mouth out with his eager tongue, his hands still tangling in my hair. Soft lips against mine. Little desperate moans. Staggered breaths. Chest rising and falling underneath me. 

‘’Good Morning baby’’ I whisper to him. I don’t want to let him go. I need more kisses.  
‘’Love you’’ he whispers. His eyes are still closed. Stretching his legs underneath me. Pulling me down so my face is resting on his chest. I could so easily fall back asleep there. Where I am warm and safe and loved and kissed. My mind back on dirty blowjobs. On what his mouth feels like around my cock. 

‘’You need to get up babe, you will be late. Sorry I let you snooze far too long.’’  
‘’What time is it?’’  
‘’7.40 babe. You need to shower like super quick and I will make you a coffee to go’’  
‘’Oh fuck’’ he groans. A little panicky in his voice.  
He pushes me off him. Pulls me back and kisses me again. Fucking dirty kissing. 

‘’Bloody tease, don’t do that when you are about to leave me!’’ I almost shout at him. My cock throbbing. 

He winks. Bloody winks at me. Pulls my underpants from last night on. Which makes me laugh out loud. So, we are sharing dirty underpants now as well. Well I suppose it doesn’t matter. I have just had his dirty cock in my mouth. Who would have thought.

I can hear him moving about in the bathroom. I heard Dad leave earlier. There is coffee in the pot in the kitchen. I can smell it. 

It’s funny how I am so chilled with all this. How it’s not a big deal in my head right now. How this makes me happy. It does. It makes me fucking brilliantly happy. I don’t quite get all the shit I had in my head last week. How it seemed so big and difficult and life changing in my brain, when here I am a week later and nothing has changed. The world is still spinning. We are all still here. Even though I have figured out that I kind of like cocks. Well correction, I like T’s cock. Not sure about anyone else’s. I’m not really interested in anyone else’s.

I’m still lying on the bed like some naked starfish creature when he rushes back in, hair wet and my Spiderman towel wrapped around his waist. Casually rummaging around in my wardrobe and pulling out a pair of my boxers. Holding them against his groin to assess if they will fit. Then sniffing them.  
‘’Fuck you T, I do do laundry you know. My shit is clean’’ I roll off the bed and grab my hoodie of the floor. Whip his arse with it.  
‘’Old habit. I don’t do laundry. Dirty shit ends up in my drawers’’ He is laughing. Winking. Moaning that he is so fucking late it’s not even funny. I know he is. He will make it if he gets on the tram and runs. Like runs now. 

I bundle him out the door wearing mostly my clothes. Backpack on his back. My beanie on his head. Dads travel mug filled with coffee in his hand. My kisses on his lips. 

The rest of the morning I sit at the kitchen table. Freshly showered and wrapped in my dressing gown that smells of T. I keep sniffing the lapel. Drinking in his scent. Laughing at his minute by minute text update of how fucking late he was for school. His description of the desperate run to the classroom and his epic run and slide along the hallway floor so he just scooped in through the door as the teacher closed the door behind him.

Then he spent most of the first hour sending me silly selfies of himself drinking coffee and falling asleep against a pile of French textbooks. 

There is this little plan I have in my head. I kind of need to see a few of my mates anyway and catch up. Not that I have been avoiding people (I have) or neglecting my old friends (I have too) but life has just been a bit much the last couple of months. A bit hectic. Weird in a way. 

I start texting people. I decide to invite 5 of my closest mates for a meetup this evening. I think long and hard about where. Nothing posh. Nothing expensive. I just want to sit down and hang out and talk. I also want to introduce them to T properly. I also don’t want to be on T’s home turf, and not on mine either. I want us to feel relaxed and chilled. I decide on the Taco dive on Torg gata down near Bakka. It’s cheap. Cosy. And I definitely don’t know anyone around there. They also do good taco’s and take reservations. So, I book for 6 and make sure we get the table at the back where we won’t be seen from the street. I know I am thinking like a fucking diva but if we get recognized and people come in and take pics we will just all freak out and become uncomfortable which is not what I want tonight. I just want to pretend we are still at school and things are just as they used to be. Except that I have a boyfriend. Who is freaking awesome. He is. I keep reminding myself and smiling. He is a little shit. I mean it’s all his fault that I can’t concentrate on anything important. Like checking my emails and sorting out my life. Instead I am sending him selfies and laughing at his Facebook. 

I get braver as people reply, everyone is positive about a meetup and as lunchtime comes and goes I end up ringing to change the reservation to a table of 10. I have asked David and Rumen to come too, so T has some mates. I like them anyway and it should be cool. It should be a good thing. It will be cool. I will be cool.

By 3.30 I am sitting on the Evak bench at Nissen. Feeling like a total prat. I mean come on. I am so fucking obvious that it’s not even funny. If there are fans around, then I will be fucked. We will be fucked. But I haven’t been back on this bench since we filmed here. It’s our fucking bench. I kind of sit here and think about it. Laughing at how absurd it is that I am even thinking about it. I take a selfie and send it to T. Laughing at the thought of him seeing it.  
‘’I might need rescuing in a moment.’’ I text.  
‘’You can’t sit there without me, it’s the fucking Evak Bench’’ He must be out of class as he replies straight away.  
‘’I’m the EV in Evak, I can do whatever I want’’ I am smiling. Looking nervously around. Just loads of kids coming out of class. Nobody taking any notice of me on the bench.  
‘’You are an idiot’’ I can almost hear him saying it in my head. Laughing. Walking across the yard with David hot on his heels. David who is scanning around the street like some deranged security guard. I love David. I love how he looks out for T. 

I don’t have any friends that I have known my whole life. David and T have known each other since they were babies. There are pictures of them both sharing a pram on the wall in T’s room. I am kind of jealous of that. Of someone that has been there your whole life. Who has known every version of you there is. 

They both sit on the bench with me. Looking out across the masses of people exiting the school. A mass exodus of bodies revelling at the escape from another day of school. I kind of miss it. The ease of routine. Knowing what every day will bring. Yet working is fun too. Freedom in a way. I don’t miss homework. Like ever. 

Rumen just rolls his eyes at us all. Mumbling something about ‘’I can’t believe you are sitting there. Like some deranged fans of yourselves. I don’t know you. I have no idea who you are’’ and walking off in pretend embarrassment. Slapping his hand over his face. 

We set off. A gang of blokes in hoodies and hats. Nobodys. Melting into the groups of people moving down the road towards the tram. A constant rumble of voices and laughter. 

T reaches out and touches my hand. Just a slight touch. Kind of connecting with me. He doesn’t even look at me, still talking to Rumen about something in chemistry class. 

I decide to be brave. I decide that this is me. This is what I do. So, I grab his hand. Lift it up to my lips and kiss his skin. I don’t let go. Just let our hands fall with our fingers tangled together. Joined.  
Him and I.


	18. The one where I am not gay, Well maybe a little bit gay then.....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go guys. We are almost there.

H  
I don’t understand why I make things so complicated in my head. We have a fucking laugh. 10 of us spilling food on our clothes, eating the freakiest tacos, challenging each other with the chilli sauce. My mouth is on fire. Tears falling down my cheeks. It’s the laughter. And the fact that life is so fucking uncomplicated when you are happy. 

T and David are retelling the fan incident from yesterday. David is standing up on his seat describing the fans, well he is making them out to be superhot Amazonian women with very little clothes on, whilst T is re-enacting having a panic attack. To say that we are all in tears in an understatement. Its pure comedy gold. David does a very good version of a love-struck fan with heart-eyes and T does David trying to get a date, with like all of them. Then running away in fear and panic. I haven’t laughed this much in ages. 

I don’t know why I thought it would be weird to tell my mates either. It’s not. It kind of just flows. I introduce T. Who they have all kind of met before in one way or another. I don’t have to say the boyfriend word. It’s not expected. It doesn’t matter. T is happy. Comfortable. Absolutely at ease. We just kind of sit there next to each other. Him leaning against me laughing. Me just sitting here being happy. With my arm around his shoulders and my lips against his cheek. 

‘’So, is this your coming out party then?’’ my mate Trond shouts out. Looking at me. Well at us. Cuddled up at the head of the table. Making everyone laugh. Well then, they all stare at us. Waiting. 

T just giggles. Waits for me to say something. 

‘’I am not gay.’’ I say. A little too loudly. Then I wink and smash my lips on T’s. Making everyone cheer. T’s tongue doing his thing. Holding onto my head. Claiming me. Totally. I am a little bit out of breath as I turn back to the table. Biggest smile on my face.

‘’Well I might be a little bit gay then’’ I blurt out. To a round of raunchy applause. Hollering and wolf whistling. I laugh. T’s hand in mine. Feeling a little light headed, I don’t know if it’s the Corona. Or the fact that T is beaming at me. That he looks at me like I bloody hung the moon and stars and shit. 

‘’I’m so fucking in love with you’’ he whispers. Kisses me. He doesn’t care about the laughter. He doesn’t care that everyone is talking and drinking and pretty much ignoring us. ‘’I am so proud of you. Proud of us.’’ 

I am too. I am kind of proud of us. Proud of T for loving me. He has always loved me. It is a heady feeling knowing that. That he fell in love with me even though he knew I wouldn’t love him back the way he wanted me too, but he still loved me. Looked after me and let me find myself. 

I look out over the table. At our friends. Nobody is looking at me weirdly. Everyone is laughing. Someone taking the piss out of someone else. Another round of beers being ordered. Trond reaching over and letting his Corona clink against mine. Giving me a smile. Mouthing ‘’Good for you’’. I make a mental note to thank him later. Thank him for being so cool. My friends are cool. That’s why they are my friends. I need to remember that too. 

I excuse myself and head to the loo’s. I need to take a piss but I kind of want to close my eyes and take a deep breath of relief too. I didn’t realize how much this took out of me. I kind of feel drained. Yet happy. Relived. I look myself in the mirror and laugh. I am an idiot. I know. A happy idiot. With a happy boyfriend who walks in and stands behind me. Wraps his arms around me and looks back at our faces in the mirror. Whispers ‘’shhh’’ as he drags me into the cubicle behind us and locks the door. 

‘’I owe you one for this morning.’’ He whispers. Which is kind of all it takes for my cock to wake up to the action. Well T’s kissing helps as well. That all in hard kissing he does where he pins me to the flimsy wall with his hips grinding against me. Fingers pulling my hair. My hands unbuttoning my jeans between our bodies with clumsy movements and strangled moans. 

He sucks a bruise into my neck. Under the collar of my shirt. Which he has pulled over my shoulder. My jeans are pooled around my ankles. Boxers too. My cock standing straight up poking up from underneath the hem of my t-shirt. Dirty little kisses down my stomach. They make me shiver even though he is kissing the cotton fabric which is taught against my skin. He sits down on the toilet seat with a thud. Kisses another bruise onto my hip. Hard and sharp and causing me to whine. Whinge with need. His hands are nowhere near where I need them. I need him to touch me. Need much more skin than just his lips. 

He is fishing his cock out which is hard and ready. Pumps himself slowly as his lips move cross my stomach. I am whimpering. I am so fucking turned on. Feeling a little exposed. Knowing that anyone walking into the loos will hear me. Knowing that everyone knows that we are in here together. I mean they are not stupid. 

To be honest by the time his lips sink down over my cock I don’t think of anything else. Just the wetness and heat around me. The drag of my skin. The way I am sinking into myself, into some kind of state where I don’t give a fuck about anything but sensation and him. The way his curls twist around my fingers, and the slurping sounds he is making. The little moans he lets slip when he releases me and breathes, before engulfing my length with his mouth. His tongue moving around me. Head jerking up and down with little twisty movements that make me growl.

I try to be quiet. I try not to make any loud sounds. It doesn’t quite work. Not when he lets go of my cock with a wet pop and roars into my stomach, whilst his hand is flying over his cock that is spilling its load over my shoes.

I don’t need my hand. I don’t even need his mouth. I grit my teeth so hard I can feel them crack as I come jerking myself against the side of his face. Stripes of white falling on his shoulder. Wet spots forming on the leg of his jeans. 

I don’t know how long we stay there panting. Trying to catch our breaths. I don’t know which one of us starts to laugh first. Trying to wipe come stains of our clothes with the crappiest toilet paper known to man. You know the kind. Cheap stuff that just crumbles in your hand and leaves fluff on your clothes. 

He pulls his jeans up. Wipes his hands down the front. It’s not too bad. It just looks a lot like he has just come all over himself. He takes his jacket of and ties it around his waist. Not bad. Doesn’t look suspicious at all. Making me giggle hysterically. We don’t have to say anything. We know exactly what is going on. 

I kiss him as we unlock the cubicle door. He kisses me when I wash my hands. Smiling at each other in the mirror. 

‘’Ready to face the crowd?’’ he giggles. Yup. Like we don’t know what is going to happened when we walk out together. They will crucify us with laughter. Take the piss. And that’s OK. That’s what friends do. 

He takes my hand. I have the biggest grin on my face. So has he. Then we walk back out to a round of applause from those idiots that just happen to be our friends.


	19. The one where it is 2 weeks later, the one where we go back to work.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea who is the main charachter in Season 4, I have just made this up. In season 1 when Eva visits Isak's house there is a plaque on the door saying Terje, Marianne, Isak and Lea. So there is a sister. Or a dog. Called Lea. Somewhere.

2 weeks later  
T  
We have been filming for days. The same scenes over and over and over. It’s ridiculous the number of retakes we have to do. Just so they have enough scenes to cut it all into one little 5-minute segment. But that is the way shit goes down in acting. Patience, patience and more fucking patience. 

Well fuck us all. We didn’t expect that. Season 4 is all about Isak’s little fuckwit shit of a sister Lea. Who is just the biggest stirring little bitch you can imagine. We were all thinking it would be Sana’s year. Or Vilde’s. Maybe Magnus’ story would be told. Even Madhi could have been it. I mean they all deserve a freaking season. Instead they go and pull fucking Lea out of the bag and everything is going to hell. 

H is having a ball. I mean we all thought Isak would have been through enough in season 3, but hell no here comes Lea and basically fucks him over. Royally. I kind of thank my lucky star that I don’t have a sister in real life. 

Mari who plays Lea is amazing by the way. She is funny as fuck and we all adore her. She also does the best bitch-face I have ever seen. Totally slays her role. If you thought Sana could slay, well hang on for Lea.

So, H and I spent all day yesterday practicing annoying facial expressions. We need a new one for every scene. I mean there is just so much shit Lea is pulling on us that there are just not enough expressions in our repertoire to equal her antics. Today she is trying to seduce Even. Which is just hilariously ridiculously evil. Even who is going crazy with worry about Isak who has fucked off in anger, and then Lea is pulling all her eyelash fluttering evil self out of the bag to try to get him in the sack. 

She is going for Eskild as well. Poor Eskild. He has the best scene ever coming up. I read the script. Freaking hell. I think they are doing ''manipulative bitches from hell'' as the theme. There is an underlying story too, I can feel it coming on. Were only a few episodes in and knowing Julie and her way of writing, none of this is what it seems. I wish they would tell us more what is going on, but then I get that they don’t. We are just as shocked and confused at all this, and that makes the acting more real. It feels real. 

They are giving Linn more room as well, which is pretty awesome. She has some one-liners that I would have killed for. Rakel is so different in real life, all lively and bubbly and then she just puts her Linn-face on and we all burst out laughing. 

I get to do Isak the way I like doing him too. Full of emotion. Lots of anger which is fun. I like angry Isak. Angry Isak who spits and shouts and throws furniture. It’s a lot of fun compared to last season when I spent a lot of time figuring out how to look sad. Now I am fucking angry all day long. Well pretend angry. It’s great. 

H and I have started going to the gym in the evenings. Just to take out some of the frustration. But also, to ensure we look OK without our tops on. Julie has hinted that we are going to be naked at some point so better be prepared. I don’t even want to think about what she has got planned. 

At least H and I can relax a bit more this time around. Last season we worked fucking hard outside filming, doing research and meeting with people to understand what we were trying to achieve. Trying to figure out how to do Isak and Even justice. To make them real. Relatable. Loved. We both fucking love them. I think I will always carry Isak around inside me, like some schizophrenic part of myself. Another little personality I can pull out when needed. H loves Even too. He loves being Even. I can tell when he shifts. When H disappears and Even takes over. He is awesome. Really funny.

I love H. And he loves me. I kind of trust us a little more now. I have no reason not to.  
We kind of have a routine now, sometimes we sleep at mine, then we stay at H’s. And soon we are staying permanently at ours. We have a flat. We have a fucking flat. A first-hand contract on an attic conversion up in Vika, which will cost us an arm and a leg, but between the two of us it is not bad. H is earning enough to cover it, and I have money coming in too. It’s on the 6th floor with no lift, and we will die from exhaustion climbing those freaking stairs every day, but it’s a gorgeous flat. Small and cosy with a tiny balcony where we can sit out and watch the city in the summer.

It’s all a bit scary, but it is right. It is the right time. And I know people say that you shouldn’t rush into living together and signing an apartment contract after knowing each other for less than a year, but this is us. This is how we roll. Just doing things that feel right. 

Julie is shouting for the lunch break to start which gives us 30 minutes. 30 minutes to grab a sandwich off the catering cart and head outside for a minute. Get some air. Relax. Let our bodies rest. Try to remember who we are in real life.

We are filming at the mock-up of the shared apartment today which is in a huge studio complex down town. There is a roof garden upstairs though so we all grab our stuff and head up there, jackets being dragged along the floor and half tied trainers echoing on the metal steps leading up to the roof. 

Ulrikke and David and Marlon are already here, waiting for their shoot later. H and I throw ourselves down on the grass next to them. The sun is still up and the afternoon is still warm enough that H is lying down pretending to sunbathe. Which means Ulrikke goes all mumsy on him and gets out her sun cream. Straddles him and starts smothering cream on his cheeks, yelling that he will burn himself to a crisp being all pale and interesting. She is fucking nuts. But we all love her. 

Mari is lying down with her head on my lap. She is becoming my little sister in real life too. Sweet and funny and all blonde and pretty like a doll. She is feisty too. Doesn’t take shit from no one. Both in real life and as Lea. 

‘’Do you think It was too much?’’ She asks looking up at me. She actually looks innocent but I know full well she is trying to get a rise out of me. ‘’Should Lea pull the bra strap off her shoulder before pouting or do you think Even prefers if she just pouts and then whips her top off?’’  
‘’I don’t think Even will be that interested in Lea’s bra straps’’ I deadpan and tap her on her nose.  
She bursts out laughing. Takes a bite out of her sandwich. ‘’But seriously T, I am asking advice here. You know how this works. Am I doing OK? Or am I just taking it all too far? I am not really sure how I am supposed to take seduction too far. Which is the goal in this scene. To take it so far that everyone is uncomfortable. Then Even should flip out at me. Which is fucking scary. I love your boyfriend T but when he is Angry-Even he is freaking horrid.’’ 

I laugh at her. Reassure her she is doing fine. Then I wonder if I should rescue H who is now playfighting with Ulrikke on the grass over the sun cream. David and Marlon completely ignoring them. I wonder if I should squirt water at them. Or get Mari to rescue him for me. She could easily pull Bitch-Lea out of the hat and put them both in their place. We don’t though.

Instead I let myself sit here on the grass stroking Mari’s hair. Letting the sun warm my face and taking big bites out of my sandwich. Listening to Ulrikke and H bickering about being pale and interesting versus sun damage and none of them being any the wiser over why they are arguing. They are actually laughing at each other and being stupidly silly. Which is just what they are. They do this all the time. Fucking children. 

H comes crawling over to us and whacks Mari on the head, muttering about stealing his spot, and kisses me. Gorgeous gorgeous H. My boyfriend. My soon to be live in boyfriend. Who I will be living with. Which is so cool in my head that I smile that ridiculous smile again. The one that makes H laugh. He calls it my ‘’I am so happy that I can’t contain myself anymore and might have to do a little dance smile’’ He usually demonstrates the little dance too. Idiot. I am happy though. I am honestly happy. 

Julie’s assistant comes running to get us all back down again. There is no way that that was 30 minutes. That was 10 minutes tops. But this is show business. The glamourous life of acting. 6 o clock in the morning starts. 10 minute lunch breaks. And a free taxi home on weekdays if we are lucky. It’s exhausting work. We sleep the minute we get home. Just dive on top of the bed in our clothes and drool into the pillows. My whole body aching from having stood up most of the day, from the repetitive actions of doing the same scene over and over again. My throat sore from all the shouting. Muscles aching from going to the gym on the days we finish early. 

I wouldn’t change it for the world though. I get to spend my days with H. Doing what I love the most. Acting. Playing. Pretending. Being someone else. Then I get to go home and be me. Just me. 

I know H is happy too. He tells me every day. I can tell when he laughs. The way he looks at me. The way he falls asleep smiling. Then he wakes up smiling too. And when he doesn’t smile its ok too. I know how he works. He knows how I work to. We fit. We work. Somehow, we work.

H holds my hand as we walk back down the stairs to the studio. Kisses my cheek. Straightens his shirt. Shrugs his shoulders the way he does when he goes from being himself to being Even. I pull my hand through my hair. Tell myself to chill. It’s more me telling Isak to chill. Because Isak is not chill. Isak is fuming. Isak is a fucking idiot. So, Isak follows Even onto the set. Then we work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for bearing with me on this slow burn of a story. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed making it all up. 
> 
> I am now somehow going to finish off What If? which has been sadly neglected. 
> 
> And when I get inspired, I might just come back and add another chapter or two. 
> 
> All the love always. xxxxxx


	20. The one where we move in to a flat. And nobody stops us. Despite us being fucking children.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. Full of the flu. At least I managed half an epilogue today! Part two will follow as soon as I have downed another dose of Paracetamol and chewed myself silly on a packet of Vicks. FML.

Epilogue Part 1  
T  
We have our first ever argument the first night that we move into our loft conversion. Well we have kind of bickered before. Had heated conversations. But not like this. Because right now I fucking want to kill him. 

I might be overreacting. I might also be slightly annoyed at the fucking bookcase that doesn’t fit under the cock-sucking fuckwits that the estate agent so charmingly called ‘’character beams’’ that are criss-crossed randomly in the ceiling. Freaking antique buildings. What is wrong with new-build square boxes? This flat has no square walls anywhere. Its old. Converted. It’s also absolutely beautiful, but at this moment in time I just want to kick holes into the walls and hit things. With other things. Randomly.

Well if I am really honest with myself I am just irrationally annoyed at his friends being here. They have been super helpful all day, carrying boxes and furniture, giving up their day to help us. Now H and three of them are drinking beer on our second-hand sofa, and helping us install the Tv. It’s really kind, especially since H is truly clueless on technology, and I am fucking anal about knowing how the damn thing works. That was my job. It’s my TV, and my cables and H’s AppleTV and Firestick and all that shit. 

I know I am being a twat. I was just picturing us together on our first night here. Just us. Being all romantic and together and shit. Not having an impromptu party doing unspeakable things to my HDMI splitter. I stomp around irrationally in my little office. Yup I have an office. It’s tiny and awkward but it’s mine. And it doesn’t fit a fucking bookcase, which is shit as I have hundreds of books. 

H has an office under the eaves on the other side of the flat, which is even more awkward. But then he has somehow squeezed in shelving and his desktop and camera gear and all kinds of crap. So, I have Office envy too. 

Every time they laugh over by the TV, I clench my fists. I suppose I am tired too. A little stressed. And I am taking it out on H and his mates that are now talking about ordering take away.  
I suppose that is what pushes me over the edge. I don’t say anything. I just grab my coat and pull my trainers on and slam the door behind me. A little too forceful. Throwing a tantrum like a child. 

Well I am a child. Because where the fuck do I go? I am not going back home. Mum and Dad are having their first night at home without me, they were going to drown their sorrows in red wine and start browsing for retirement housing they said. Laughing. I don’t think they are too sad to see the back of me. I don’t really want to own up to any of my friends that I haven’t even lasted the day living with H. That I am already pissed off to the point that I have walked out. 

I am just hurt. Tired. And for once I need an epic cuddling session. With blankets. Backrubs. Lots of little kisses. Naked. In my own home. With my fucking boyfriend.

I end up in Kaffebrenneriet down at Vikaterassen. It’s not far from home but I need to calm the fuck down. So, I order a coffee and hide in a corner. Angrily tapping my foot against the table leg. Pretending to read something on my phone. Hoodie over my head. Hoping that he will get it. That he will come after me. Well anything really. How the fuck to people do this shit. How do people stay together for years and years. How the fuck do people do relationships without killing each other? 

H  
T is pissed off. I know. I get it. I do. I didn’t plan on this but we were all having such a laugh today and I kind of thought he would enjoy the little moving in party. I should have known better. I know him. I know how he works and I think I messed up as usual. Not too badly because I do have plans. I am not a shit husband. Because that is what I have decided that we are now. I don’t care about the rings or the city hall and all that shit. I am not going to call him my boyfriend. We live together. And I love him, so husbands it is. 

The guys are leaving anyway. Trond has a date, and Cez is meeting his girlfriend and Poul has do return the van to his Dad so they head off. Well T’s little discreet exit kind of threw them as well. I just laughed and said he is putting a load of washing on in the basement and he hates laundry. They laughed. Little white lies. All whilst I had a lump in my thoat and a brick in my stomach. 

I hate when he is upset. I hate it even more when I upset him. So, I hug the lads and send them on their way. Thank them again and again. Because they deserve it. They have been freaking awesome today. T and I wouldn’t have done it without them. I mean we have been sorting furniture out for weeks now, friends and family donating stuff. Good stuff. We have a king-sized bed and an oversized sofa, and Mum and Dad bought us a new mattress and brand new bedding. Gorgeous sheets. White and soft and smelling brand new. Mum has even made the bed for us, which just brings another little lump to my throat. I am officially adult. Moved out. Living with the man of my dreams. A little blonde curly haired shit who has just turned my life upside down in so many ways. Who would have thought.

I step into my shoes and grab my keys and wallet. I am going to fix things. I can do that. I’m the fucking king of fixing things. 

T

He sends me a text. Which makes me really angry. But at the same time I kind of want to cry. He just writes ‘’Please come home.’’ Followed by a little heart emoji. I mean who can resist that. I am such a sucker. 

I feel like I should stand my ground and make him grovel. I should write something stern back, like that ‘’I won’t accept parties and stuff unless we have talked about it’’. But somehow it doesn’t seem all that important anymore. And whilst my brain is trying to figure out something hurtful and cutting to send back, my feet are already walking out the door. Running. I am fucking running up the pedestrian area towards the road. Taking the corner on Huitfelts gata sliding on the patch of ice. Like some skating champion, holding onto the rail outside the corner shop. It’s idiotic how much I just want to see him. How I need to hold him and bury my nose in his neck. Say sorry for being a prat. Say sorry for getting irrationally stupid. Because I did. It wasn’t his fault. It’s me. Being me. Being a little possessive and clingy and needy. I suppose a little cruel. I don’t like sharing him. I like him being mine. 

My hands are shaking as I try to get the key in the door but then I have just run up 6 flights of stairs. 6. What a joke. Why on earth did we think this was a good idea. We are going to be freaking fit after a few weeks living here and climbing these stairs every day. I am panting. Having to lean over and hold my hands on my knees for a few seconds. My head hanging down. Trying to catch my breath enough so I can get the key in the lock. My key. For our flat. I kind of shake my head. I can’t believe we actually did it. We moved in together. I moved out of home. Fucking hell. 

I walk in and shut the door behind me. Call out ‘’H?’’ A little weak I suppose. I just hope he is not angry with me. That he doesn’t think that I am the idiot of the year and has walked out. We are both children. I can’t believe that someone let us sign a contract on a flat. That people didn’t tell us to grow the fuck up before doing this. 

The flat is empty. His shoes, key and phone gone. 

I just stand there. Trying to get my brain to understand what the hell is going on.


	21. The one were we come. To the end.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue Part 2.

Epilogue  
Part 2

T  
I kick my shoes off. Throw my coat on the floor. I just can’t be bothered. I just wander aimlessly around the livingroom. Pick up the beer bottles from in front of the TV. Throw them in our brand-new recycling bin under the sink. Comb my fingers through my hair. Heart beating out of my chest. 

I suppose I should ring him. Text him? Ask where he is. I just don’t get where he would go. Unless he is royally pissed off with me.  
I end up just standing leaning against the back of the sofa. My arms crossed. Wondering what on earth to do with myself. Thinking that if this is what being an adult is about, well then, they can have it all back. 

I think I am imagining it at first but someone is running up the stairs. Coming closer. I keep thinking they will stop at another door, and the steps will fade, but there is a key in the lock and H walks in. Well half falls through the door tripping on the step with those giraffe legs of his. Looking flushed and red cheeked and bloody too gorgeous for his own good. Giving me one of those huge smiles only H can do.

‘’You’re back. Good.’’ He looks bloody cocky. Full of mischief.

I can only nod. I don’t know what to say. And he just stands there holding a bag of shopping and the saddest bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. 

‘’The corner shop down below is just rubbish. I can’t believe it. They had no flowers and no chocolate. I mean nothing good. Nothing edible. Not even Kvicklunsj. Ridiculous.’’

He just stands there. Looking at me with a little smirk, whilst my stomach is jolting around and I am trying to figure out what to do with my hands. Gripping my shirt across my chest. Arms folded. Trying to look defiant. For some strange reason. I don’t know what I am doing. 

‘’Why would you need Chocolate?’’ I blurt out. Then I can’t help but smile. He does that to me. Being all cute and adorable. No wonder all his friends love him despite some of the crap he pulls. I don’t think anyone can stay angry at H for longer than a few minutes. He just flashes a smile and twinkles his eyes and all my intentions go to shit. 

‘’For you of course’’ he says, slowly walking up to me. One little step at a time. Still flashing me that smile. Trying to rip the plastic of the flowers. Well the remains of the flowers. I think they were carnations, that are now kind of half dead squashed carnations. I decide I still love them. He bought me flowers. Silly fucker.

‘’Since you are now officially mine. Since we live together. I have decided that you are now my Hubby. My gorgeous Husband. I just don’t think boyfriend cuts it anymore. I think we are more than that. So, since we are all grown up and adult and living away from home in our’’ he pauses and presses a little kiss to my lips. ‘’Our Flat. Our home. I think I might have been a bit of a twat earlier, so I bought you flowers. And chocolate. Because that is what Husbands do. Don’t you agree? To say sorry for being stupid. And Sorry for taking so long, I had to run all the way down to the Coop on Tjuvholmen, because nowhere else had flowers. I didn’t know what chocolates to get so I got like loads of different ones’’ 

He hands me the bag. He has bought like an entire shelf of chocolate bars. Loads of different ones. Ridiculous amounts. 

I just grab him by the shoulders. Press my lips to his. Kiss him hard. Still holding on to the flowers and the supermarket shopping bag. We are going to eat chocolates for weeks. Fucking gorgeous ridiculous boy. 

‘’Thank you’’ I whisper. Because my voice is not quite holding up. I don’t know what it is that makes me so emotional but I can feel tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. ‘’I love you. Sorry for storming out. It all just got a bit much. I was being the twat. And I love the idea of being your husband. I love that you want that. Husbands. It sounds all posh and cool. Grown up’’

‘’I know. I tried it out on the cashier. Told him I had been a bad Husband and needed all the chocolate to make it up to my gorgeous Hubby. He just looked at me like I had two heads. Made me laugh’’ He snakes his arms around my waist. Rubbing his groin against mine. Looking at me with that little smirk on his lips. Dimples on show. Eyes piercing mine. Making me all teary eyed again. I can’t help it. He just makes me so fucking happy.

I suppose that is what love is, the thing that make all your emotions go a bit crazy as soon as that other person is around. I don’t know why I was so angry at him. I don’t know why the fuck I ran out. All that matters is that he is here, with his arms around me. Leaning over and fiddling with the TV remote control until he has some cheesy 80ies ballad wailing in the background.

‘’Do you remember when you were 13 and went to those school discos?’’ He says, throwing the remote back down on the sofa and placing a little kiss on my nose.  
‘’Yes, when you were all slow dancing really awkwardly trying to feel the girls boobs without them noticing.’’  
‘’Yup. Pretending we were really grown up and suave, when we were just being idiots. And nobody could dance’’  
He is swaying slightly. Trying to pull me away from the sofa. His arms around my back. His hand moving down to squeeze my bum.  
‘’Are you trying to do bad slow dancing with me H?’’ I laugh.  
‘’Yup. Our first Dance as Husbands. To some music that I have no idea what it is. Video looks shite by the way’’ He laughs whilst glancing over my shoulder. Well we both look. Some woman with crazy hair in platform boots wailing something about love. Whilst we are trying to dance, which is more like stepping awkwardly around each other’s feet. My arms curled around his neck. Noses rubbing. Lips brushing softly. 

‘’I love this’’ I whisper. ‘’It’s so cheesy that it’s almost romantic. Us dancing. In our flat.’’

H just laughs. Swings me around so I almost lose my balance before pulling me back up. Wiggling his hips. Swaying badly out of sync with the rhythm of the music. Grinding against me. Looking at me with those damn eyes. Little cheeky smirk. I know that look. I know it far too well. 

So, I do exactly what I was hoping I would get to do this evening. I rip his shirt off. Buttons flying everywhere. Just pulling the crap out of it. Because we can. Because there is no one that can hear us. Nobody who will walk in on us. I pull my jumper over my head. Throw my arms back around his neck. Smash my lips against his mouth. Deep and hard. Tongues stroking hard and heavy against each other. 

He groans a little. Arms flaying by his sides as I tug the sleeves down his arms. Letting his chest rub against mine. I mean we are kind of still dancing. Slowly moving across the room. Pretending that we are dancing at least. Whilst I am letting my mouth move down over his neck. Sucking little bruises into his skin whilst he whimpers and ruts and lets go of my waist so he can unbutton our trousers. Pulling them both down together whilst we do little steps around trying to get them off. Underwear pooling around our ankles. 

I kiss him harder. He fists my hair. Eyes closed. My nails scratching lines down his arms. Lips moving back down over his shoulders. Kissing his collarbones. His chest. Back up over his neck. Sucking bruises under his chin. Because I can. Because he is fucking mine. And because it is driving him insane which is exactly what I was hoping for.

I love when he gets like this. When he is a little desperate and out of control. He slams me against the wall and holds my chin in his hand so he can get his mouth behind my ear. Kissing little butterfly kisses against my skin. His fingers pinching my nipple. Soft and sweet yet a little bit rough. I’m the one groaning now. My cock hard and ready to go. Drips of precome leaking out of me. I try to reach down to pump myself but he swats my hand away and pushes his hips against me. Grinding and rutting and sucking and kissing. 

‘’Fuck I love you baby’’ I whisper. I do. I love him to the point of madness. He just does this to me and I lose all coherent thought. I just lose my mind. Completely. I just need him. I need him against me.

‘’Will you fuck me? Please? I just need you. I need you inside me. Please’’ God the things that come out of his mouth. Bloody bossy bottom. Drives me fucking crazy. He is pushing against me, keeping me firmly flat against the wall. That menace of a mouth of his doing dirty things to my neck.

Well, like he has to even ask. I don’t have to reply. We have our little thing going on.I just grab his face and suck his bottom lip into my mouth. Push him in front of me, half stumbling, steering him towards the bedroom. There is no dancing anymore. I push him onto the bed. Grab his hips and turn him around, making the mattress squeak and bounce as his knees hit the springs. I bury my face in his arse making him squeal in surprise. Panting and mumbling words under his breath. My cock twitching and throbbing. His thighs trembling under my hands. God, he is just amazing. So fucking sexy. Clenching and shivering as I hold him open so I can lick him. Kissing and licking and prodding with my tongue. There is not one little part of him that I haven’t tasted. That I haven’t licked and nuzzled and bitten and kissed. 

‘’Fuck T, Do that again. Don’t fucking stop.’’ I don’t reply. My mouth is a bit busy. My fingers cupping his balls and reaching between his legs to stroke his cock. So fucking hot. I am too horny, I just can’t think straight. My brain is thinking lube, but I haven’t got a clue where it might be.

‘’Lube baby?’’ I groan out. Hoping he is more organized than I am.  
‘’Oh fuck. Eh. Fuck. Do that again, don’t stop. Oh. Fuck’’ He is obviously on another planet. Especially since I can’t stop kissing his arse. Licking his opening. Pushing the tip of my tongue past the ring of muscle in little jerks.  
‘’Lube H. Do we have any?’’ I am out of breath. My voice weak. Needing to come. I might not actually make it inside him.  
‘’Lube. Ok. Ehhr.’’ He sits up. Hair sticking up at impossible angles. Eyes hooded. Face flushed. Looking absolutely wrecked. Stupidly adorable. Looking around the room like he hasn’t got a clue where he is.

‘’My jeans’’ He says. Pointing his finger in the completely wrong direction before throwing himself back on the bed, and letting his hand slowly start to pump his cock. Stopping to smear a drop of precome over his slit, which makes my cock twitch to the point that I groan. I don’t want to come like this. I don’t want to come until I am inside him. Tight and warm and…

I practically run into the living room. Rumble around in the jeans on the floor. Of course, we both wear the same black skinny jeans. Fucking hell. I am checking the same pockets over and over again until I get lucky. Finally. I run back triumphantly waving the lube sachet and condom in the air, making H do a weak ass ‘’Whoop Whoop’’ as he lifts his knees up and wiggles his bum up to meet me. 

We know how we do this. How we both like it. Like this. Face to face so I can kiss him when I fuck him. So I can scream into his mouth when I come. So he can hold onto me when his orgasm slams through his body. Just the thought of it is making me tremble with anticipation. My fingers are shaking rolling the condom on. H has his eyes on me. Pumping his cock. Rolling his hips so we fit, so we are lined up. 

‘’Do you need my fingers baby?’’ I whisper.  
He shakes his head. ‘’No time. I am going to shoot. I am going to come so fucking hard once you are inside. Just do it.’’

So, I do. Just softly pressing my cock against his opening. Slowly letting him adjust to me as I move. He is relaxed anyway, eyes closed. Mouth open gasping for breath. Arching up against me. His hands firm on my hips guiding my movements. He trusts me. As I trust him. Which makes me well up again. Fucking emotional heap of shit that I am. I am never moving house again if this is what it does to me. 

I bottom out with his nails digging into my hips and ridiculously load groans escaping my mouth. My head spins with trying to hold back my release. I am so fucking close. H is whimpering. Rocking his hips. Pulling me against him.  
I fall against his chest, kissing him hard. Tongues and hands and arms all grappling for a space to keep us steady. Breaths and moans and droplets of sweat falling from my forehead.  
‘’Fuck me’’ he whispers.  
‘’I love you’’ I whisper back. Then I pull out. Then I fuck him. In and out. Hard and fast. Just letting our bodies do their thing. H roaring and shouting and trying to kiss me whilst I wail into his mouth when I start to come. Filling the condom whilst my head goes blank and I my arms are trembling and my voice just doesn’t work. There is nothing coming out anymore. My voice caught in a silent scream as my arms give in and my chest lands on top of his, squashing his hand between our bodies whilst his cock is still shooting thick stripes of come between us. 

We don’t speak. There are no words that need to be said. Our breaths are fast and strong, filling the void of silence. Beads of sweat glistening on H’s chest as I roll off him and make myself a snug little home on his shoulder. His arm wrapped tightly around me. His lips firm on my forehead. 

‘’Welcome home my darling baby boy.’’ He whispers.  
‘’I love you’’ I laugh back. ‘’Welcome home.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go. Finally. Off you go T and H, go and be happy! (And fucking finish off that S4 trailer!!! Arghhghghg. We are all dying here)
> 
> Thank you again for all the love, support, epic comments, kudos and prompts. I couldn't write without you all being with me for the ride. 
> 
> I think this is the end of the H and T fics for now, but no doubt I will get some crazy idea in my head in the not so distant future and another one will pop up. Those darn boys. 
> 
> All the love, always. Xxxxx


End file.
